oh wow, so much rambles and thoughts and questions >.< *must add my own muddled thoughts!*

i think some people SI for the thrill.. when i go into my cutting rampages, i always thought basically what pain could be worse than how i was feeling?, so the small [but many] cuts on my skin feels like nothing at the time, kinda almost pleasurable and seeing the blood start to ooze out my skin was enjoyable. and when i get papercuts, i freak out; they hurt tons to me. -So, how can i cut myself...? -isnt cutting even deeper than papercuts? ~well, i think when you're expecting the pain, wanting it, needing it, the pain doesnt seem to hurt as much [or maybe it does, but we're just not aware of it?]

when i SI, i like being able to control it. i guess i feel 'empowered' when i cut; i like knowing i can stop it if i needed to [i mean, for example: if my parents had been beating me, i can tell them No, but they may not stop. when i purposely cut, i could stop if the pain got unbearing. fyi- i don't get physically beaten by my parents; just wanted to make that clear] and i just plain out like the rush in my body when i am SI'ing.

BUT, when something bad hasnt just happened to me and i dont have the rush in my body building, i cant SI. its Ugh to me and it has no appeal and i need the need/want to SI to actually cut myself. without it, im just cutting to cut.

-ive been pretty much done with SI since january, but ive had my slip ups and i Know SI isnt done forever in my life; ive jjust been able to avoid going to the blade when it calls my name. i find something else to do while the rush is inside so that i cant SI. -i dont really WANT to SI, but i just want to feel powered sometimes .. my SI is a complicated mess i have yet o understand; i know what i want in it sometimes, but i dont know the why's. [and the reason i know SI isnt done with me just yet is because if i cant understand why i am cutting, i wont ever be able to stop completely]

-bluegirl