Hi all.

Thanks for responses.

I feel like I do this a lot -- start these threads and then I just can't come back to them because I stop being able to think about them. (But here I am.)

I used to have this feeling that if she wasn't thinking about me, I would not exist. (Like you said, Treehouse. Just like that.) That's why the hang-up calls were OK with me. I knew that she would know they were from me, and that she would think of me, and then I could exist again.

It was so hard when she went away.

I know that she is not abandoning me. I know that she is not kicking me out. I know that this is a very small restriction on our interactions, and I also know that she will be there when our next meeting is scheduled.

Yet I also feel so distant from her and everything and very unconnected. It is a dissociation thing. I do it a lot. (Rainbow, I am not OCD, except possibly about a few things.) It is that vague unconnected feeling.

Also, I am wanting to move away and never see her again. There is this community in another state that I was thinking of moving to, and now I really really want to. I feel like that would be the best thing for me to do.

It is strange to me that I am having this strong reaction. I suppose that is why I have always needed to control our interactions so much (and why she has let me). For me it was really big to tell her that we could do therapy her way. And now practically the first thing she does is this.

(And last year she told me that if I was really worried about it, I should call her and she didn't mind calling me back, there was no need for me to torture myself.) (And now she has changed her mind.)

OK, I know I can call her about anything else, and email her about anything else, but I don't really care to.

The thing is, I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like she is my only friend and companion and the only thing in my life, and she doesn't want me any more. OK, I know this is not true.

I guess I should just go do something.

Arggh.

OK, thanks everyone for all your support and ideas.

Take care,
-Far