...by a support forum. Not psychcentral, a different forum.

So, I have a new obsession. Oh joy. I guess all these obsessions make up for the painkillers I haven't been abusing.

So, I was a member of a mental health support site for about a week. I was open about my diagnosis and answered questions about myself in a collected and courteous manner. I thoroughly enjoyed the company of some members. Others, however, blatantly insulted me. One member openly called me a "pathetic excuse for a human being." ... On the forum ... for everyone to see. They challenged me to prove my diagnosis and "respond as a psychopath would", then demeaned me for it. Yet, I remained courteous. Then, for reasons I do not yet understand, I was banned.

I wrote a letter of apology a few days ago to the admin of said site, a proclaimed mental health professional. I did make some remarks that were confrontational, such as a response to the woman who called me a "pathetic excuse for a human being". So I wanted to apologize for losing my cool. I was completely ignored and promptly banned, which I had expected. But I was talking with one of the members on msn messenger [member B]. "B" agrees with me that my ban was peremptory and suspicious in nature. Uncalled for at the very least. He relayed some of the messages to me. One post said there was more to my story than meets the eye. I'm still trying to figure out what was meant by this, considering I was only in chat a handful of times and was very polite, and I only had two pm's, also very polite. Then [member B] tried to find the details of my ban, but found no explanation except a claim that I had said something mean to [member A] via chat one day. When "A" was asked what was said, he replied "you had to be there." Let the court know that I never said anything offensive to "A". I emailed "A" about the whole ordeal and apologized to him for anything that I said that upset him. Initially, he didn't know who I was. When I told him, ignored, yet again.

I also took a look at my old account. Let the court know that on [website], banned members are indicated by their gray name and a subtitle that says "former member". My old account and the new one, both say "validating". For the life of me, I can't figure out why. Not to mention there were several other accounts that were banned because they thought those people were me. Some of them I knew irl, and I directed them to the site to get help. I can understand the admin's reasoning in those cases considering Lisa (one of my "friends") mentioned my name and was very confrontational -- I would've banned her too -- and Frankie lived with me -- same IP address and all. There were others, verified by "B", that were suspected of being me, and I had no clue who they were.

I sense a conspiracy. And anyone who read my DeFeo rant should know that I have a tendency to become obsessed with these things. Not to mention I was initially quite distraught over the whole matter considering the personal information I divulged while a member and in my apology letter ... information that few people are privy to. I was insulted, ostracized, and discriminated against. And it wasn't just because of my diagnosis ... there were others who admitted ASPD and/or psychopathy, yet they're still members... I also read some posts made regarding yours truly. I've seen nicer things said of Ted Bundy! I can't even fathom what I said, or what they thought I said, to cause that much turmoil.

I will own up to the wrongs I've done in my life. But that was the first time I was actively trying to be completely honest and open, and I get railroaded. I shouldn't be angry about this. It's an internet forum ... But I am. I was victimized by a mental health support site. And that forum is supposedly headed by a mental health "professional".

Whatever, I'm going to go back to lying about my diagnosis and past. Seems to work better. I just needed to rant about it. I've got this feeling that there's nothing I can do about it. Like living with my dad again...

*edited* Let it be known that the obsession is trying to figure out why I was banned, not intent to inflict harm on the aforementioned site or its members.

Sorry for the "court" remarks... That's just the first thing I thought of...