In a way I/all of us am/are getting glimpses of what it is like to be whole and integrated. They come in flashes, like I know what happened, where I have been, how I have gotten back here and what it is like to be here. But they are only flashes of total lucidity, time has passed but it okay. This does beg for a 'hallelujah!'

Coupled with that I have different body images of crying, being curled up in a ball, screaming, lying numb on a bed and a mental image of being blocked (was that the drugs they used?). Images of other subtle acts of degradation on other occasions, on my body, flash now and again across the views of the mind. This part carries so many hurts but I rationalize with her that they will be dealt with one by one and that she is not being judged and that yes, until she has felt all those feelings we may be blocked for sometime yet. I am using the word blocked instead of stuck because it does seem more like a block. This blockage seems to being felt on my right side of my back around waist level and on right side by right hip bone. There is a deep inner dull throb that lasts only briefly, then is gone. This possibly could be something like a medical thingie, so I will watch out for it. I am packing a great deal of weight but this does seems to be tied to digestion of something.

Working through what we worked through is my intense knowing that she had below average value, particularly of the body at the time. She didn't know she did, she always tried to fix it up to be socially appropriate for the times. The mind accepts that she didn't know and that she did the best she could and that we love her anyway. This certainly would be an outcome of the neglect of the value of the life this body was given. Here for a purpose but what purpose? To have no value but and except to show how valuable the sister is and to be used by whatever male or female may come along.

Suddenly what happened to her (the sister) became more important than what happened to me/her. My/Her guilt and shame around what the sister experienced played out to be more important than what happened to her/me, even though what happened to her/me was extremely violent that night! She was the valuable one. But she is beginning to hear she/I/we is/are the valuable one/s! The other people could continue to use her/me as she had been saved from whatever may have happened to her.

PC/DD Forum People...I appreciate you. Please forgive my inability to function here for some days. It is working through such tremendous bad experiences that we liken it to almost re-experiencing (but dear God, thanks it is NOT).

Do keep hope up for all of us and I will for you too.