Extreme frustration is dancing around my head right now. I have been working since the beginning of March and have only gotten paid twice (I am supposed to get paid weekly). My counselor says that my employer is taking advantage of me and many people who know "me" tell me the same thing. It is hitting me hard today because I am down to my last $36. After that, there is nothing. I can't seem to stand up for myself or to even ask her to pay me. Weekends are hard for me, especially Saturdays. I am not sure why today is so hard but it is. I feel the weight of extreme financial distress crashing down on me. I have cried most of the day because I cannot seem to find a solution to my financial troubles. Maybe Saturdays are so hard because we/I have limited contact with my counselor. We do chat on the weekends, but he has his own life and sometimes it is hard to remember that. I feel like I am relying on him too much. He has been the only person who has been with me through such horrible crap and he is still here. He has not given up. It feels strange to have someone do that for me/us. He was the one who finally diagnosed DID. At first I was in denial and had such a hard time accepting it. But it made so much sense and I completely accept it now. I have met many of my alters and he has been with me each time. I never knew that a counselor could be so supportive. He is my only support right now, besides my PC family. I need him so much, but I feel like I am being selfish and too clingy. Many times I cannot ask for the things I need and so I suffer in silence, but it isn't so silent for me because the torment that I feel and the pain of it all echoes through the hotel like a mournful wail. Sometimes I feel like I need to get as much out of my counselor as I can because he is going to leave me soon like everyone else has. I have that fear that he will leave me and I will have to fend for myself yet again. I don't want to be abandoned again. I don't want to have that constant fear and panic. I am so afraid of that, I am already preparing myself for when it happens. He has said he will not leave me until our work is done, but is he really telling the truth? It's so hard to trust anyone and I am afraid. I cling to any nice thing or promise that anyone has said or made like a lifeline and when they prove to be liars it devastates me, so much that I feel like I am falling down a deep well and when I reach the bottom, I feel like I am drowning and I can't breathe because the overwhelming hurt and disappointment I feel keeps me under. I am just feeling very alone right now and overwhelmed and I needed to write down my thoughts and feelings in a safe place. It's sad to say that home doesn't even feel safe anymore.

Cris