Hi Fool Zero.... thanks for thinking of me for the Garden Group. I noticed you there when I went over to see what was happening. I had forgotten about it until Theo got me thinking about sharing garden pics.

I can relate to some of what you are saying about taking game play personally. I never could figure out how to play Chess but I hooked onto Suduko about a year ago. I know exactly what you mean about measuring my cleverness depending on how easily I do the puzzles.

Now that you mention it the gambling on the slots did get kind of personal. Each time they would hook me I would be thinking all the time that I must not be lucky today if I was loosing. Or I didn't have the right 'touch'. Then if I started to win I would think I was lucky or if I just pushed the button a certain way.... and then I just needed to keep playing to see if my luck or magic tough would hold. If I wasn't lucky I would think myself undeserving or wonder what I did wrong that day to deserve such bad luck. Yes... you are right... very personal.

Gee I never really thought about how that kind of thinking was going on until you mentioned it. I just remember saying to myself.... please please I need to win. I need the money. Come on... help me out here. I remember too judging myself against those I saw win. I would wonder what they had that I didn't that let them win and made me lose. Once I had let myself gamble away next month's mortgage payment and then some man or man did I beat myself up big time. I felt so stupid and manipulated by my own greed until it was desperation to somehow redeem myself. Sadly it didn't stop me. I seemed to need to keep putting money in to try to redeem myself. To prove myself worthy too somehow I guess. By this time I just needed to get my money back and save face somehow.

Of course it didn't happen. I just sunk more and more until I felt so humiliated I could barely stand myself. I avoided looking in a mirror most of the trip. Everytime I saw my reflection it made me cry. The self loathing really got carried away. I felt so dirty and ugly. It was horrible how it impacted me.

Sadly I was not alone in the group. Several got caught in the same trap of playing themselves into a really deep hole. Not a good thing. I feel bad for them. It really put a damper on the good work we did in the meetings.

For years I avoided casinos even though my ex was a regular visitor (and winner) and he would always ask me to come along but I would always decline. My first time ever at a casino with him I dropped a couple of hundred dollars in a matter of minutes and that was enough to keep me away after that. I was just lucky I didn't loose more that night because when I went to the debete machine to take out more money for some reason it said I had reached my daily withdrawal limit even though I had only withdrawn the 200 all day. It was the only luck I had that night. lol.

Somehow all that resolve to stay away from casinos went out the window in Vegas. Never again. Hope I stick to that declaration this time. If a client every suggests a casino resort for a working retreat I hope I have better luck changing thier mind next time.

Thanks again for your support and encouragement when I was having a rough time coping those couple of days down there. It helped.