Jenkins,

I can relate. I suffered from s.a. I have engaged in a lot of self-sabotage in work and relationships. I think there might be a connection for you between what you said about forgiveness and not having spoken about the s.a. In my experience, a sense of forgiveness can be twisted within oneself to mean somehow we were at fault for what was done to us. Did your abuser seek forgiveness? If not, if I may ask, why did you feel the need to express that without even really speaking about the s.a.? In my experience, forgiveness comes along with the last stage of recovery from s.a. (resolution), but cannot be a substitute for the whole process.

My worry for you is that you created a sense of forgiveness towards your abuser in order to avoid dealing with the feelings and impact of the s.a. on your life, especially your sense of self-worth. That might explain any ongoing self-sabotage. In particular, I fear that you have never expressed, or even gotten in touch with, your anger towards your abuser. Leaving anger unexpressed makes forgiveness, I believe, more about self-blame than any type of resolution.

I think you probably need to start at the beginning -- speak about your s.a. and see where it leads.

I hope these perspectives are helpful.

be well,

mtd