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darkpurplesecrets · May 17, 2010, 02:32 AM

comfortably on the phone while another personality is busy doing the day’s work. How Being able to do more than one thing at the same time. Talk about having the ability to multi-task! I’ve known situations were one personality can be talking cool is that?!!!

The thought of multitasking before I was co-conscious never crossed my mind. Although things always got done as someone within always made sure that what needed to be done was accomplished or getting to appointments was taken care of by someone----I would not really call that multitasking knowingly. Now that we have co-consciousness there is more ability to be able to but even now it is hard to do more than one thing. I am not sure that it is multitasking per-say as I can do more than one thing at a time but not necessarily because I am multiple. But there are times when we can.

Always having someone to talk to. When you are friends with each other on the inside, you don’t ever have to be alone. Your best friends can be right there with you, any time of the day or night.

To be honest before co-consciousness as far as having others to talk to I would have to say that we did not know the others existed. Even those inside were not aware of each other. We were so compartmentalized and separate that no one was really aware of the others within and I certainly had no idea except for the constant voices that I could hear almost as if mumbles and chattering but nothing concrete. When I was first diagnosed I tried to deny that it was even true for I did not want to believe it could be possible. Even up to three years ago when I knew others were there I tried to make it go away. There was no communication within only many coming out whenever they wanted to and me losing so much time that I did not know whether it had been a day, a week, a month, or what. After co-consciousness, and over the last several months with a lot of work and acceptance we are now where we talk and have meetings within to talk about things or to help others with understanding of things. But still there is not total ability to talk to all within. We are working on this. But for the most part we can talk now and get those within to do what they need to do to co-operate for the safety of all. The little ones can now talk and play together as we have grown.

Being able to maintain the joy of a child’s perspective. Children can be so innocently full of wonderment, and joy, and happiness. They know how to be carefree and happy and amazed at the simplest of life’s pleasures. Child parts, once safe from trauma, can keep that sense of joy near to them their whole lives long.

My child altars were innocent for they were of a child but the joy and happiness did not exist for a long while. They were very innocent with how they spoke and still speak. They speak with the only knowledge they have yet at times so sad as to what they hold. The trauma they hold speaks volumes but their ability to explain or to tell is in that of a child their age. Sometimes they can come forth and learn (at least for a while) to enjoy something but so many are stuck in a time that they never grew. Their ability to be happy and joyful is sometimes short lived as they can get it for a moment but the next time they step forward they are many times once again right where they are and have lost that sense that they were told. Their innocence comes in their words and how they tell what happened for they speak truth as a child would speak. Where I try to be proper and word things so that it is not right there they have no ability but to say what they say. Their speech is that of their age and the way they act is of their age for the most part. Sometimes some can talk or write older than they are but that comes from having to grow up way to soon. Once they come forth and talk and now that we have co-consciousness they do enjoy things at times and they at times argue amongst their self, as children would do.

Being able to take a break even when the outside body has to keep going. When you’re split, you can tuck back inside, and rest, or sleep, or think, and let someone else be out front managing whatever is going on in life. Having that ability to pull away and separate from the outside life can come in handy sometimes!

Dissociating at will I was never able to do until after co-consciousness. Before the dissociation just happened. I would be then I was not and I had no idea who was. They would come and go when something would happen and the one that was able to handle certain situations was the one that stepped forward. Many times they would step forward during therapy and I was not able to leave until they stepped back. So many times I dissociate but I am not rested when I step back in and I am unsure what took place. Many times things took place that I had to figure out when I came back. Especially a few months ago, there were those that stepped out and caused a lot of difficult moments for me that I was totally unaware of and problems arose that I had to smooth out. Now there are times since co-consciousness and collaboration is taking place that I can step back and allow someone that is able to deal to step forth and give me a rest. Sometimes I go within, as I cannot deal with everything leaving someone in charge that can.

Having the ability to remember so much more of life’s experiences. In my opinion, once a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder finds safety, and learns to connect with all their internal people, and lowers their dissociative walls, it seems to me that people with DID actually remember more of their life than “regular” singletons do. This includes remembering more of the good times as well as the bad.

Before co-consciousness I had no idea of so much of my life. I had blocked it out and that is why I dissociated in the first place because I could not deal with what was taking place. Those within held those memories for I checked out when it got to be too much for me to stand. When I receive and accept those within and their memories then I get the total memory back. Yes, I think that we do many times have more memory because so many hold those things for us and when we get them back we then have our memories but as far as all no. There are things that we will not remember just as other people that do not have DID do not remember. Sometimes there are things that all people do not remember and we being DID is no different. We may have a more vivid picture but that is from those carrying it within.

Having the ability to understand life and events from a variety of different perspectives. Those with DID don’t have to imagine what it would be like from a different perspective – they often have someone inside that already genuinely sees things that way!

Perspectives of life were, to those within, what they knew. They held specific memories and emotions that were of what they knew. As they came forth and co-consciousness took place then they at times could see a different way but even then many times they could not get it. Although for us as there was programming, those that were programmed have become to know that they can have other jobs and do not have to do the things they were told to do. But this has taken a long time to get them to understand and even now there are times and those that still hold specific programming that are confused and questioning everything. For a long time, there was no teaching them something else and even now they sometimes cannot hold on to something new but they can work on it getting it many times as they begin to work through what they held and I can accept them and help them to understand.

Blocking out pain. While blocking pain is not always a positive or helpful skill, there are times and places where having the ability to block out pain, both physically and mentally, can be a great benefit.

Before co-consciousness I was not aware of the pain they held. They only knew of the emotions and feelings that were theirs. We were not allowed to have emotions and within there are those that call themselves Echoes that pulled the emotions and pain within keeping it safe and allowing us to go on. Those within hold much pain and emotion but only to an extent as it was pulled away to protect. When those that held certain memories step forward and tell their memory of what they hold, I was at first unaware of anything. They would come and go without me knowing they were there. I would feel tired and have massive headaches and not know why. Fear is something we all know and have no problem feeling for that was instilled from the start. As I got co-consciousness I began to stay present with them and I felt some emotions that were allowed but never past a certain point. The emotions seemed to shut off immediately when we hit a place that we were not allowed to feel. It was not until the core self was rescued from within the wall that Echoes stepped forth with those emotions and is just now giving those to me. It has taken time and the building up of safety and support and their trust for this to be given. This is now the hardest work I have had to do, as I am unable to really understand what it is that I am feeling. I am scared of what it is as I have never known. I do also know that I have a very high tolerance of physical pain and can recover quickly from surgeries or injuries. At times the pain can be excruciating but at others it seems to not last as long.

Quite possibly needing less sleep? I can’t prove this, but it seems to me that a significant number of folks with DID can function quite effectively on less sleep than what the average singleton person needs. Maybe this is because the various parts can rest and sleep internally? By taking turns resting inside, does that make the overall physical need to sleep less? I have no real answers for this, but it’s not uncommon for this to appear to be the case.

I am unsure about the sleep. I know that I seem to function on 2 to 3 hours of sleep a night, sometimes none. I feel totally exhausted and sometimes will fall asleep early evening for a few hours before it seems someone is always up doing something, writing, drawing, sewing, cleaning, playing, etc. Sometimes I can get to the point that exhaustion takes over and I can sleep for a day or more without really waking up. This is not normal but does happen on occasion. I am unsure of how the system rests but I do know that I can feel totally exhausted when I seem to get up and them get another wind and another wind from out of nowhere.

Looking younger. Again, I cannot prove this, but in my years of working with multiples, folks with DID look considerably younger even as they physically age. One would think that the years of trauma, abuse, and stress would have a negative effect on the physical appearance, and while there are obvious scars, there also seems to be a common ability to not age physically as quickly as singletons do. You all nearly always look younger than you actually are. How cool is that?!

As far as age goes I find this to be very true. I do not look my age at all and many times I can appear younger even than normally I look. When the littlies are out sometimes I look very young. My facial expressions, posture, and mannerisms are definitely those of whoever comes out and they do the things that other children their age do. They do not understand a lot of the things that we have today. For instance, the answering machine really threw them for a loop. One of my young altars would sometimes call our t and her answering machine would pick up and she would start talking to our t as if she were on the phone. She did not understand that our t was not there and she would get so upset because she would hear t’s voice but t would not talk to her after the greeting message. This was very hard for her to get. Another one of my altars did not get a cell phone. She thought that our friend was in jail and that she was calling a jail cell. It was very difficult as this scared her and she had a hard time feeling safe for she thought our friend was going to hurt us because of the cell number. But I would agree that for me anyway, I look much younger than I am and many times am asked if I am my friend’s daughterratherthan her friend and there is only seven years between our ages.

The ability to fit in with a variety of different people. While some system splits were formed as trauma-based ways of matching with various groups of people (and some not so good as others), the positive flip-side of that ability is that people with multiple personalities can literally find themselves fitting in easily with a wide variety of people in a variety of ages.

Having a variety of friends at different ages yes, we could relate with so many and seemed to fit in. But we also lost much as so many did not understand when we would try to explain. When we switched so much we seemed to scare others and the sad thing was I did not know until after it happened but as far as being able to connect with others on a variety of levels, sometimes. When I worked as a housemother at a girl’s home, I could connect on a level that the girls trusted, maybe because I could understand how they felt and I had those within that had been through so much that they could reach them where they were.
I think in accepting my DID for me is a version of accepting myself. DID was not something I chose but it was something that I did to survive something that was not otherwise survivable. It took a creative mind and courage to do what we did. In working over time and getting co-consciousness, I have learned to accept myself for who I am and the others within me. I am all within and they did a great thing for me when I could not be. I did not choose to be multiple and no it is not easy, but it is getting a little easier as I work to accept and communicate with those within. As I grow a little more each day and listen within I am accepting me for whom I am. Though it is so hard and there are days I want out and sometimes not even be I know that we did something in order to survive. If I deny those within I am denying myself for they are me at different times that I could not be myself. Being DID was torture and painful----it still is as I am just now really getting back those emotions and feelings that I never could have. I am still working on memories that those within are holding that I do not know yet. The life of being DID is hard and many times has no understanding. I feel lost and misunderstood. But it also saved my life and has been a blessing at times. If I had a choice I would not want to be DID, but because I had no choice DID saved my life and for that I am thankful. Knowing those within myself now, I would not give them up for they have done a great job and they have a lot to give. They are me and I accept that now, even though the pain and fear I am going through right now to heal is unspeakable, I am learning everyday. I have to say they did for me what I could not do for myself. And that is a good thing or I would not be here now.
dps