I feel so pathetic. Here I am writing another post about the same unresolved issues I've been *****ing about for months. I am defeated in the game of life. I spent some time today pondering my life and trying to remember the good times, then I realized I only have one or two happy memories. I've spent my whole life not good enough in my fathers eyes, an awkward outsider in social situations, never with any true passion for anything I've done. Just sauntering through life as my peers pass me by.

I've been a horrible role model for my younger brother, but even so he's moving on with life while I'm stuck in the same pit of quicksand. To my face my mother doesn't say it, but I know she's ashamed of me. I barely even know my father, the only part of my life he was was slapping me around and telling me I was worthless until I was 12 and he decided to cheat on my mother and move out.

I've had thoughts recently that I've never even considered before. The creeping whispers of my own intuition telling me "There's really no point, why not end it now?". I have no friends to call and talk to, nobody to go out with for a fun night to forget about things. I just sit here while it builds up and chips away at my foundation. I can't even lie to myself anymore and say "soon enough things will get better". They're not getting better, and it's my own apathetic attitude that makes it that way.

And the funniest part is? I can call myself out on all of the dumb stuff I do and the way I'm living my life, then not do anything about it. I have no faith in myself, no courage anymore. I've defeated myself in my mind, convinced I'm not good enough to participate in society. There's no end in sight, no reason to keep pushing. I've disappointed anyone to ever place faith in me, including myself.

Don't see a point in continuing to exist. I'm worthless, and if I died tomorrow my funeral would be like 7 people and only because they have to attend because they're family. Nobody without a blood relation to me would even notice I was gone. I just wish I could hit the reset button and start over. I've screwed myself so badly that I don't know how to recover from it.

Feeling very hopeless. I don't even want to press submit but I guess I'm going to.