Here it comes,

Those overwhelming amounts of guilt, shame.

They crash down on me at the oddest times, like waves from the sea. I get triggered here latley by odd small things, things that remind me of childhood,

Here in the past year and a half I have a very hard time recollecting things from my childhood, and it's frustrating to me, the constant in and out workings of what has to be my PTSD and it fogging up random parts of my life. Not all of my childhood was a horror story, I know had my grandmothers, and those memories are dear to me, those are foggy too.

But when I get triggered into remembering my childhood in general, I get hit with overwhemling amounts of shame and guilt, sometimes I get incredibly uncomfterable in my own skin, I feel akward, guitly, dirty, shameful, like I"m just a pile of slime.

I get these feelings of "I'm a bad daughter, sister, friend, lover" "I'm less of a woman because I was abused" or "I let my parents down because I was abused"

I know none of those are rational thoughts, there is no truth to any of those statements, but they are still ingrained in me, and sometimes I feel they are true, I know it's just one more storm to weather in my recovery, and I'm sitting through the emotions, allowing them to come, not fighting them.

I think a lot of this is being triggered by my start of birth control, for some reason taking that little pill has sent me into a small tizzy, dragging up insecruites, fears, panics, and lots of undealt with emotions.

It's always the littlest things isn't it?

I also feel akward discussing the shame and guilt I have over my sexuality. It's like part of me is torn between, I have the right to enjoy this , and the other part of me is arguing that it was used to harm me as a child, so why should I enjoy it.

Today I"m in a good place for dealing with it all, I"m acecepting, obeserving, and letting things flow.

Tomorrow may be another story.