((((((((((((Fooze)))))))))))))))

Heh your very right, you always know just how to put things, I love your input

((((((((((Claygenius))))))))))

I am so glad my post helped you! Your posts help me a lot too! and your awesome too

**** I added the trigger icon for this next part, just to be safe******

Now that I reflect on it, starting the birth control is the founding trigger for a lot of these tangled up feelings, it's me taking a concious step to becoming sexually active, (I don't know why but for some reason this is very hard to post about here, feel all akward and weird) which is something I want but have certian lingering fears I didn't realize I had over it. I fear being used, abandonded, etc etc (more akwardness and panic over discussing this) I think I have this inner conflict, I want to enjoy it, am excited to take this step with the man I love, but another part of me says "you shouldn't enjoy this, because you were sexually abused, you where harmed by this as a child, used, put to shame, how do you know this won't happen now?" I can't even find the words to quite describe it, just this lingering fear and anxiety, not to say I don't want to become sexually active, this is my choice, nobody has put it upon me, no pressure, it is something I have choosen and I know I am (finally) ready for. But that little pill seems to just be a slight manisfestation of insecurties and fears.

Hrm this is getting all tangled in my mind, and I feel very well <--- that sums it up pretty well, no idea why, T says I have a very healthy outlook on sex for an abuse survior, I thank my parents for that, they screwed up on a lot of things, but teaching me that sex is not shameful, dirty or wrong when between two consenting adults is somethign they did very very right. I usually have no hang ups discussing sexuality or sex, but all of a sudden I do, no clue why, *inches away from keyboard*

I'm leaving this here for now, I'm getting all tangled up in my thoughts, maybe coffee will help, what I want to say isn't coming out, or maybe i'm just to self concious to type it out, a considerable combination of both I suppose...