thank you all for the comments... i think i needed some time to think. i am really interested in this topic, and don't often have anyone to talk to about it. at least, no one who understands me at all.

i've often wondered what's so bad about my SI. i am, in fact, very safe and in control. i heal. everything is fine, and maybe i end up with scars for a while. ...but what is really so terrible about that? i do SI for a lot of reasons, and sometimes i think the reasons are legitimate and sometimes i know i'm not in a great place and maybe something else would have been more healthy... but all in all, i am a pretty healthy person. i take care of myself, just in my own unique way.

sometimes the SI helps make me feel. sometimes it helps me NOT feel. sometimes it happens in response to a trigger or something stressful, sometimes it happens because i just felt like it or i did something that i thought was artistic or beautiful. sometimes i feel the pain a lot and sometimes i don't feel it at all. it depends on many things. is it always bad? is it sometimes bad?

thine and bluegirl:
i agree with you on the SI vs. stubbed toe/papercuts. i often feel very upset and it hurts a lot if that happens. sometimes i think i get upset because i don't have control over it. but i think it's odd that those small pains seem so much different, it hurts in a different way. i often think of the "pain" of SI as pleasurable. i find that pain and pleasure are so close and not as different as they seem to some people.

i also have mixed feelings about piercings and tattoos... i have 9 piercings. the first several that i got were not related to my SI. probably because i was younger at the time and hadn't struggled with SI stuff as much. though i know i got some piercings after i started to SI regularly, and those weren't related to my SI at all. however, the last few piercings i've gotten have been a little different. i have been very aware of my intentions to get the piercings, and it's complicated. i wanted both the experience of the piercing and the end result. i really enjoyed getting my last two piercings and was in a place where that feeling was exhilarating! it was grounding, and it was a rush like i get with SI sometimes. is that ok? i don't think it's wrong. many people may get piercings just to have them and don't want that pain, but is it wrong of me to like that experience? and is that different or better than if i did SI (since in this case, someone else did the body modification instead of me doing it... even though i chose to have it done. idk.)? i also think that when i got my last one done in particular, it actually kept me from doing any other SI for a long time (both before and after the piercing happened) because i was looking forward to the experience and i knew it would help ground me, and afterward i had this high that kept me safe from other SI... for a while. and also... it happens to be my favorite piercing. i think it is beautiful and i just love it!

i have always wanted a tattoo. it's taken me a while to be sure what i want to get. but also... i've been trying to put off getting my first one because i *know* that i'll probably become addicted... i know some people say tattoos are addictive. not everyone feels that way, for sure. but i can see that happening to me. i don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, i just want to be fully aware of what i'm getting myself into. within the last year i decided what my first tattoo will be, and i'm thinking i'll get it done next month for my birthday. i am so excited, i can hardly stand it. i am excited to get the tattoo since it will be really meaningful to me (it will be a design of a treble clef from a necklace i got from my grandmother's collection when she passed away just over a year ago.) and i am also incredibly excited for the experience. is it ok if i enjoy the feeling of being tattooed? i am not doing it to hurt myself, but i am doing it for many reasons that are complicated.

i just wonder if my feelings with piercings and tattoos is so entirely different from my SI. sometimes. maybe. ? i think since my SI happens for so many reasons, it's hard to judge it. each case may be different, and i will be able to explain and describe very different feelings each time. sometimes i think it's not good what i've done, but other times i can't say it's wrong. it's just different...

thanks for letting me share my thoughts.