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I was a total mess in session yesterday. We've started working through my attachment feelings for her, and it's been so much harder than I thought.
Yesterday was a bad day. I was walking down the street on my way to session when I fell over and hurt my ankle. There were people walking past and no one even bothered to help me up even though I was crying. I was pretty shaken, so I texted T to say I'd be a few minutes late. She immediately rang me back to say that I wasn't scheduled in her diary, and that she'd obviously double booked my time. So I went in an hour later.
When I got there, she was coming down the stairs with the client. She was a schoolgirl, in a uniform from a school I know...around 15 or 16. This triggered me so badly. Even though I'm an "adult" now, I still feel like my "spot" in T is the depressed girl in her school uniform..
T motioned for me to go up to the room, while she briefly talked to the girl's mother. I went to sit down, and the chair was still warm. I basically cried all session..i was so embarrassed. I eventually wrote to T what I was feeling, and we touched on how I felt like I had been replaced (I started therapy at 16, I'm now 18). I have never felt so exposed and ashamed.
I know this girl isn't me, but I couldn't help but think of all my most precious memories and breakthroughs with T...but her having them with the other girl. T smiling warmly at the other girl.
so yeah... a sprained ankle and feeling sad. hope things look up soon
thanks for reading..
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