hello lovelies .

ive been thinking about this for a little while and i'm still a little bit uncertain, but i think it's time for deli to take a step away from PC and to rely more on herself and her IRL support people. primarily pdoc and austin-t, but also the friends i have who i can sometimes bring myself to reach out to with more lightweight stuff.

you guys have been so important in my therapy journey, especially when it's come to helping me build up trust with pdoc and austin-t. i know i've often disclosed things here first to kind of test the waters a bit, and then (with encouragement) taken some of it to pdoc. but i think it's time for me to start doing this directly, especially with the next lot of 'big stuff' i need to process. i remember posting about it (my 'big stuff') here once - it took a lot of courage on my part to divulge it - and no one really had anything to say because no one really related. and that's ok with me (the people who did respond were lovely & supportive) - but it made me sad and reluctant to bring it up with pdoc/austin-t because i felt like a freak that no one really related at all. it's made me look at how much you folk on PC are the third element in my therapy, and how that's been GREAT while it's been pushing me forward, but that maybe i also need to be aware of its limitations when it's holding me back or making me more confused. because i know i still need to deal with this stuff with pdoc/austin-t regardless of how much i feel like a singular freak. so, i think for my sake, i need to work on testing the relationship with pdoc and austin-t more directly. maybe not with the big stuff straight away, but with the other stuff i would feel comfortable discussing here on PC, because i know people would know what to say.

that's a bit scary and confronting for me - not having my PC folk here as my security blanket to help me figure out what is safe and not safe to disclose. but ive been seeing pdoc for 5yrs now, and maybe it's time for me to start trusting him more fully also. trusting myself to trust him with the right stuff. i dont know.

the other reason i think i need to step away from PC is that i dont think i've been the sort of deli i would like to be when i've been replying to some other people's threads. ive been finding myself wanting to push people (not to hurt them, but in a constructive manner!!) but i think i've neglected to be gentle at the same time. i dont want to be the sort of person who can impart remarkable insight (which i dont ever flatter myself that i am doing) if i'm doing it in a way that isnt also mindful of where that person is emotionally. so i think that's the other reason i need to step back for now.

and i feel a bit silly for posting this thread, because i feel like im making a big deal out of something that isnt a big deal to many people (whether i'm around or not) but i also know if i pmed one or two of you that i would forget to pm others who would want to know also, so it's just easier sticking it out here. and i dont think this is a permanent break at all (far too addicted to PC for that!!) but one i just need to try out to see where it gets me in terms of my therapy and also simply to recalibrate away from my little online world of friends .

no doubt i will be back on like a crazy woman when my thesis is due in two months and the insomnia makes it such that i can actually see you folk in real time (as opposed to posting while you're all sleeping due to the US being topsy-turvy with respect to when PROPER daylight hours are ). but until then - take care and all the best!! and someone wish me well, because i'm actually quite scared and sad to leave, no matter how short the break may be .


xoxo deli