Elysium, please don't beat yourself up about this. We know it's easier said than done. You still love and care about this person. When we love and care about someone, no matter how long we've been away, we just want to know that the other person is doing better for themself and sometimes in that other person we can find a minute of solace in our own life.

You wanted to believe and hoped that she would have changed for the better. You had to see for yourself and you did so because you care above all else. Sometimes the hardest thing we can do is care enough for our loved ones to let them go. We can lie to ourself all we wish, but in the end, everything we do in life is a personal decision, no matter what it is we choose to do. We see your act as very strong, caring, and courageous. Not everyone has the heart that you posess to do that.
*safe hugs and hoping you feel better*