I have suicidal fantasies, but its not actually planning an attempt or anything. It's like once my mind went into the cold dark awful place, it remembers being there. (I planned out an attempt many years ago but didn't try it)

The pain is easier to deal with if I think there is a way out. That's something I am working on in therapy because I think it's a maladaptive behavior I burned into my mind when truly suicidal way back when.