Quote:
Originally Posted by Pughead
It's an interesting question. God knows, I've felt that way sometimes. I've been on track for over a year now. It feels like, you know, maybe I'm just wired this way. People are different, and maybe I have a gift (mania) that I just don't appreciate and the effect of not embracing that is depression. Maybe I'm close to the norm and I let it swing wide just because. But every now and then, something reminds of how low I've been in the past, and even though it seems crazy to the observer (including me), it was a very intense reality at the time. I'm fairly well-balanced now, and I think I have lamictal and self-awareness to thank for that. But I do feel sometimes that maybe, just maybe, I'm full of sh**, and it's all just a fraud. I hear you, I get it.
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Pughead, I so relate. I was in a high staus career for years and I am a communicator both by nature and I was by profession. (not working now due to mental illness) So often either when I'm well enough, or simply able to hold back the real intensity of my Bipolar/Panic/Anxiety when dealing with people, I come across as a powerful, got her **** together person. But the reality of the bulk of my time is actually spent in survival mode, moreso these days in massive Panic and Anxiety as my meds are managing the Bipolar part pretty well most of the time. So people get real mixed signals if they get me on a good day or an off day - and there extremes are well, EXTREME.
My mental health clinicians understand that I can be at either end of the spectrum in terms of functionality, but it's hard to have to communicate with others that my capacities can vary so wildly. When I started my current Uni course this year, I got on the phone to the Disability Support Office straight away. I could tell by the guy's response to me on the phone that he was wondering, "Why does THIS woman need help in terms of disability? She really is strong and seems to have it all together." I raised it with him straight away, I said, I know I sound really together now, but it's not like that the majority of the time, and he said he understood, and Boy Oh Boy after a few months of great difficulties with the lecturers and the delivery of the course and my concurrent unravelling - HE REALLY GETS IT NOW!! lol