My mother ghost wrote a book on suicide when I was six and I grew up thinking it was some kind of normal question to ask oneself: I feel bad, do I feel that bad?

I have some pretty strong feelings about it but what I've learned from being profoundly depressed at times is that there is a big difference between not wanting your life as it currently is, and actually wanting to die. At one point I considered it, decided against it and became even more depressed because the depression was therefore endless.

I think we associate death with change. Which makes sense because when someone you loves dies everything changes. I'm dearly hoping that what you are really fantasizing about is change. And for what it's worth even when it seemed impossible, that was always what got me out of that place. My lifestyle changed, something new came into it and I liked my new life.