I imagine suicide and pray for death on a regular basis. Driving near the edge of a cliff I imagine one pull of the wheel or opening the door and falling out while driving at a high speed alone on a highway. I survived my mother's suicide and a few attempts of my own with pills. Since becoming a mother I made a deal with myself that I would not put him through the same suffering. He too has spoken of suicide for most of his young life. I think it is like a demon that possesses people and carries from one generation to the next.

Since I can't fullfill my fantasy on account of my son I pray for death to come some other way. I try to make my life worth living but the best I can do is keep surviving one day at a time. I most am just waiting to die. It can't come soon enough.

I know that sounds aweful to say. It is totally controdictory to what I preach to others but it is how I feel about my own life that is solidly planted in the toilet. Somedays I have hope that things can turn around if I just do this that or the other thing but then it doesn't and I feel drained for the effort and I just feel old and tired and a waste of air. Today is one of those days. Started out with a plan and nothing worked out and now my hope has vanished. I am ready to go but it is not my call so all I can do is pray for no more tomorrows. I wish.