Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and kind responses

While I don't think this is going to get easier any time soon, it really does help to know I'm not alone in this.

it's just so confusing... this kind of relationship is so unlike any other. I feel like I can't do anything without setting myself up for hurt. ugh...but the set up feels so nice.

i think i need to sleep. thank you for replying it's made a difference