hating myself so very much, and wanting to s@#$e my thighs..secretive, yet out loud...trying so hard to drown out the noise, the pain...feeling so unworthy, so vulnerable...doing my best to control it, yet overwhelmed to stop the pain..feeling like a friggin failure, not good enough, not wise enough..knowing better but submitting to the familiar...hating me..hating them, not even really sure who them are..guess that is what the problem is..so it all comes back to me..