I suffer from post traumatic stress dissorde
I recently came off of my medications that I'v been on for the past 2- 1/2 years.I quit smoking pot and am trying to get my life back in order. a good friend of mine passed away in May of 01 infront of me and his wife. we buried him on my birthday and It has been a great deal of pain. that I have been dealing with ontop of all of my hidden secrets I hold inside. this is my first time here. and tonight i was feeling very sorry for myself and felt that nasty pain from deep inside. so unexplainable and so uncontrolable. I no longer want to be on medication and have changed them 12 Diffrent times.I also suffer from major panic dissorder and have also stopped medication on that. so the mother of my friend,who passed away. ever since he died she has made my life a living hell, he always hated her I'm not sure why.we'll now I know. but, I live in the same house where he passed away with his wife and 7 year old son.his mother the day of his funneral the day of my birthday not that i wanted to celebate she barged into my apartment scolding me, that i was to have no company over, accused us of killing him.now me and J were the only one's there that night we both new how he died. which was an induced heart attack overdosing on crack cocain.I gave him CPR. I let her say what she wanted only b/c it was his mother and I knew she was grieving.so I accepted the accusations and never said anything. things calmed down, I Even went to this lady's house. Now come 2-1/2 yrs later she has begun too harrass me even worse.Deffermation of charchter, slandered, aggrivated harrasment not only me but his wife to. me and J are great friends now she is the shoulder that I cry on when things aren't right and Viseversa she has helped me so much and it kills me inside. B/c now this ***** has even gone as far as to going up to my old job telling all of my friends and co-workers that I'm a crackhead which I'm not!! That I'm A dike which i'm not and that I killed her son which i didn't. that me and my landlord do three sums with anyone that comes to our house.
she wants to take me to court for a wrongful death suit.
I have changed my phone 3 diffrent times had to disconnect my cell phone, even call the cops. They are useless and so is the District Attorney's office. nobody unnderstands that this is taking it's toll on me.
Just when it Get's better it gets 10 times worse.I don't know what I'm capable of. now I have too leave the only true friend I'v ever had. I have found so much happiness with her and like everthing God takes it away {CRYING}I want everything too stop. I think I hear him at times and I think back too the last few days of his life.he asked me too take care of her. But, I can no longer stay. my health is ditierating {sorry can't spell}
I love J so much she's like the sister I never knew! I know she'll be there.I have been out of work for the past 4 months. I try and motivate myself, I'v taken away everything that makes me tired the pot, the sleeping pills I don't even drink anymore,all I want to do is sleep, sleep and never wake up.but now that I'v stopped the pot which is something I'v been doing since I was 14. True life seems so impossible. all of my childhood memories that I have learned too block, have become more violent.@ the age of 9 I was sexually ,physiclly and mentally abused by my X step father who rapped a young girl a year ago and is no longer coming back too the states. I feel I could've stopped him WHAT IF, WHAT IF," THE STORY OF MY LIFE"!!! I recently was able to tell my mother who I hated so much, and I blammed. But it wasn't her fault I know she wanted the best for us.I can't Imagine my world without her.she knows of my condition and wants me back home. How do I get rid of all this pain, at times i feel crazy i can't even open my eyes. can you imagine what it would feel like to have to wake up everynight thinking he's there.starring at the pitch dark,scared to get up.doctors don't help, pills don't help.I'm Helpless and so very Angry!!!
I am at a very volnurable state.... DiStUrBeD aNd InSaNe!!!!