I just recently started trying to talk about my past SA. I posted on the survivors of abuse forum and I plan to tell my T about it on my next visit.

I am so afraid of even talking about my sexual issues. So this is really hard for me and I hope I do not offend anyone. I dint even know where to start.

I was 5 or 6 when I was abused by 2 girls of the same age or a year older. And ever since then I have been preoccupied with sex. I was introduced to it way to early and I blame my issues on that. Other than those times when I was little, I have never had any other sexual experienc anyone. I didn't even kiss anyone until I was 18. I'm so very terrified of intamecy. I have crazy sexual fantasies that I'm so worried that I will act on that I stay as far away from sex and other people as I possibly can.

PS. Sorry about the spelling. I'm on my moble and it's hard to proofreade and edit
Sometimes I would wish I would be raped. Even when I was young I would imagine I want it. Logically I know that it would be a horrifying experience yet I still sometimes want it to happen.

I'm a 25 year old female BTW. Sometimes I wish I was a guy and other times I don't. And other times I wish I was both. Most of the time I am just confused.

Sometimes I have desires to have sex but because I am so terrified I wish so bad that I would never have them. Sometimes I think about mutilating myself down there. Doing the female equivalint of castration. Cutting off that horrible thing that I hate so much. But I know that doing so will not it rid of the hormones that are causing the desires.

But what is most disturbing is my occasional desire/attraction to little kids. It's so sick and discusting. I'm so nervous around kids because of this. It's mainly twards girls. I'm sure I would never act on the thoughts. But even so, it's just not right. I have never admitted this to anyone. Never written it down or typed it out for fear of being sent to jail.

I'm just sick in The head and I wish so much to not have any sexual desires at all.

I just needed to get this out and finally write it out. Sorry if it was disturbing and sick. I hate myself so much