Today I think I reached a new low.
I cried in the Disneyland,the happiest place on Earth this weekend all weekend. I was on a band trip and after performing we went to Disneyland for a full day. Everyone fell in groups going up, but I was alone.. In Disneyland. I ended up going on rides alone, taking the "fast pass" lanes because I was a single rider, and yeah I got on the rides quicker, but i never felt like a bigger loser in my life. Someone even yelled out "Single riders are losers!!" as I waited in line. I'd pass people from my band, and they'd either look away or whisper or even worse look at me pitifully. That's always the worst. Parent chaparones would see me eating by myself and give me that pitiful look. A look that said " I'm so glad my son/daughter isn't as f**ked up as you are, your parents must be terrible." And who could blame them? If I was on the other side (another happy band kid) I wouldn't talk to me either.
I look pitiful all the time, isolate myself, and never talk or give eye contact.
And yeah that sounds bad, but i can't bring myself to feel good enough to talk without sounding wierd, or even rally up the willpower to engage in conversation, I'm always sad and I hate it. On the bus a kid made fun of me singing
"look at me, I'm sooo sad, I cry everyday.."
and I heard another boy whisper "Stop it, she can hear you."
I felt like dying right there and then...

Anyway I hate writing long threads cause no one wants to read all of this crap, especially this self pitying, "woe is me" crap that I'm writing, but I just wanted to vent. I came home red eyed and lied to my parents saying I had a great time when my most vivid memory there was spending over 20 minutes in the bathroom crying, and desparately trying to remember anything and everything that was keeping me alive. "It's a Small World" was playing in the background..
If you read all this thanks if not I understand. Just needed to vent that's all I guess I wanted..