I have appointments for May 28 & 31. After my brother died I was doing well on the meds and when I started feeling panicky or anxious I had Xanax to get me through. I was off meds for a few months when I lost my medical insurance and then I found a new job but had to wait for the probationary period to end before I got medical benefits. The doctor I'm seeing now wanted to see how I'd do without the Xanax but on higher doses of my lamictal and welbutrin. The higher dosages doesn't seem to be helping and he said that if the increase didn't stabilize me we might have to consider adding something else.

I spent the better part of today crying. I spoke to my oldest niece (she's 33 years old) and told her some of what I was feeling and she told me that I had to be strong, that I couldn't fall apart because my daughter needed me and they (my other nieces and nephews) needed me too. Not once did she suggest that I get help or talk to someone. What she doesn't realize is that I've been falling apart for years and my daughter is the only thing holding the fragments that are left together. I think that is why God blessed me with a child after years of being told that I couldn't have any...he knew I was going to need her.

I am afraid to seek help or tell anyone the extent of my misery. I don't want to be hospitalized because I have an overwhelming and debilitating fear that I will lose my baby. That someone will decide that I'm an unfit mother and they'll take her away and I would really just lay down and die.