I found myself waking up and thinking on this subject manner this morning, to the point I had to go and take a jog because I was driving myself insane, it's a bit off course from where I orginally started the thread, but related, I'm adding a trigger icon just for saftey reasons, please use self care.

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I have issues with trust, I think I have posted on the manner several times, but I notice it all the time, I have issues with trust, espically with men. I have this overwhelmeing fear of being used by men, being seen as a toy, a plaything, an object, of being manipulated, it's easy to say I haven't had the best run in's with men, and have put myself in postions before to be used and manipulated, as a form of deliberate self harm, as to reinforce the message my abuser was trying to get across to me through the abuse "Your just a plaything, your meant to be used, dirty, no man is ever going to love you now" I went through my entire life believing this (until the past year) I never expected to fall in love, or to have a man fall in love with me, I shut myself off in that department, it just wasn't something a "dirty" person like me could obtain.

I've been manipulated a lot in my life, in my own family, I've let myself be a punching bag emotionally for many people, but it always seems to hurt worse when it was brought on by a male, my dad had me lie to my mom for year's over our financial situation, had me hide mail, and loan him money I made working odd jobs, and when I got a full time job from there too. I'm out countless amounts of money and have been ran into credit card debt from this situation. In high school I seemed to only make male friends that sent me confusing messages, they would tease me rentlessly and prey on my poor self esteem. Looking back I could have never really called them friends, or would have allowed to happen in the healther state I am in now.
I've seen so few sucessful relationships, my parents relationship is a mess, and has good moments, but the bad and voliatle seem to overshadow any temporary happiness is in place, close friend's parent's relationships aren't any better or are far worse, with the exception of my best friend's mother's second marriage.

I fear falling prey to that, I fear being controlled by a man, to fall into the vicious pattren I see people around here fall into, that I've seen my whole life, dysfuntion, instablity, a vicious vicious cycle nobody seems to be able to escape.

I don't want to be that, I want to break the cycle, I want to be the one to change things, to escape, I won't I just wont' fall into that, what has been my family, the enviroment I have grown up in, seen my whole life

I"m still in disbelief that A) I've been in a realtionship for over a year and B) **** I"m in love, and someone loves me. I still carry this small amount of disbelief that a man could love me, know of my abuse, my truamas, the crazy rough childhood and life I've had and still love me, support me,

I'll never forget hearing numerous times "girls that have been sexually abused never can have a functional relationship, they are doomed to fall into abusive ones"

I don't remember where I've heard it, but I've heard it countless times through the grapevine, through the gossip mill, old Southren women gabbing and giving their explinations, and yes it's a commonly toted misconception here in the South, and I"m sure many other places.

I've heard my own parents say a handful of times "kids that have been abused end up all screwed up or abusers themselves"

I know I"m not the things my abuser said I was, what anyone ever said I was, I deserve love, respect, to have a good life, not matter what anyone says I know I have made so much progress in the past few years, I'm healther, happier, more stable, I've grown.

But......

After you hear something so many times, it becomes a considered half truth, that lurking fear in the back of your mind, that little voice that whispers when you lay down at night "what if they are right?"

I've heard it so many times, that I'm scared, scared, what if I am in a bad relationship? I sit for hours replaying moments over the past year we have been involved and trying to find errors, trying to find if I am, then I think "but I"m blind with love, how would I ever see it?" I've bolted several times in our relationship in our year together out of fear he was trying to control me, manipulate me, or out of plain insecurities.

I get confused, I am confused, I find myself drowing in pariona and confusion, and frustration with myself.

Then comes the anger, I have so much undealt with anger, towards abuser, towards the truamas in my life, push it down, push it down, swallow it whole, don't let it consume you, I"m the little soldier who keeps on marching, keeps going striaght, never look back just keep going foreword,

I forget where I was even goign with this, besides the fact I have severe trust issues.

Progress, slid back, and progress again

Maybe I'm already stuck in that vicious cycle and I don't ever realize it....

This is very much a fear, a misconception that I have been raised around, and issue I need to process, guess that's why I'm writing it here huh?