Okay ... Tomorrow I write essay #2 of 4. Time feels like it's speeding up and slowing down ... speeding up in the sense I don't have enough time to study, slowed down in the sense that it feels like AGES until I get to be done with this and go home.

My counsellor said to focus first on showing up, second on everything else. For somebody who can't guarantee she'll be able to get up in the morning, just going to these stupid exams is an accomplishment in itself. That's what she says. She doesn't have to apply to grad schools next year.

I wish there was some way of ... I don't know. Of explaining to the people who matter that my grades are hardly indicative of my REAL triumphs. My grades are all over the map and are really the indicators of my struggles. My successes have so far been not hurting myself despite sometimes overwhelming urges to do just that, not giving up despite meds that have either not worked or made things worse, and not dropping out of school despite being told to by three different professionals, because if I can't at least pursue my dreams -- albeit on a long, torturous path -- then the depression truly has won. I'm so terrified at this point that the depression's effects on my grades are going to shut me out of the grad programs I apply to. That they're going to look at my transcript and think that this is the transcript of someone who didn't try hard enough, when in fact it's the transcript of someone who gave it her all just to get through the degree. The transcript of someone who considers it an accomplishment just to have shown up, even though she may not have done very well once she got there.

Agh. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm tired and I'm cranky and I'm not nearly prepared enough for these exams. Just needed to vent I guess.