I did say in group today that I was very nervous about the process (in fact soooooooooo nervus and jumpy I had to increase the anxiety med just to get out the door to group). I told them I am not yet ready to do the process she had in mind. Another man volunteered to go today, and there was a lot of tension in the room - or discomfort or... maybe all the rest of us going "oh **** i SO don't want to do this". That was my response. I also felt that i needed to block from the rest of the group. Byt the end, I was sitting with both arms crossed and hugging my shoulders.
Later the T asked me how the littles were doing (I some how didn't get that she understood DID terminology) and was surprised. I said I was a bit shaky and they were scared to do this - also they didn't see how it would be possible.
As mentioned earlier, I did talk with my T today in session about this dilema and the various opportunities (traumas) to share with the group via this process. I explained my concerns and fears, and even details of our first trauma that was done by the grandmother, and then the mother also. How one alter was developed in that time. T decided that perhaps it be best for me instead to focus not on interpersonal violence, but to work on the death of my dear friend (from 2001). I miss him SOOOOO very much that naturally i started crying right then and there. We're supposed to work on a "stuck" time in our lives. Granted I *was* stuck then for a good 2 years or more, but I believe I am unstuck around that now. I just have intense grief around it. T asked me what about it caused me to be stuck back then. I answered that it should have been me who died instead of him; he was so talented - a great Tenor - and had a scholarship (well I think he ended up losing it to bad grades or something). I felt his life was more important than mine. I felt he had more potential than I did. In hindsight, his life had slipped just about as far as I think mine had - maybe more. In fact, i think he dropped school since he lost the scholarship. But he had always been so chipper, happy, vibrant.... I was the depressed, withdrawn, quiet one. Why him? Why not me? I'd been suicidal soooooooooo often for so many years. Why take the lively one, the one everybody loved? It just made no sense.
Oh yeah, T wants me to focus on the fact that I felt loved by him and i loved him (he was gay, therefore safe for me to be around since I'm terrified of sex). He was intimate with me in ways I could never be with another guy. Just love at its purest. T pointed out that I'd never had that before or since (thus my "stuckness").
I dunno.
I could also speak about my abusive boyfriend - I've never dated since (1996). I don't see the point in dating when a. the men i have been around are cruel. b. men want sex and i don't. and c. i have so much baggage that I don't see the point in trying to be in relationship until i heal myself more.
Thoughts?