Hi there,

I haven't posted in a long time here, but I saw the subject of your post while checking my pms, and I wanted to read what you had to say.

Just one additional thought to offer you. You said you feel like shouting "but I'm the good guy"! I know some women in my life (and actually have probably been one of them) who consistently reject the guy who is loving and available- and completely WONDERFUL!- and consistently cling to the guy who is rejecting and insecure and maybe even abusive. My mother once said that not only does she feel she doesn't deserve the good guy, but she also wonders what is wrong with him that he would love HER.

When a woman doesn't feel worth loving, and yet someone completely adores her, I think some have a tendency to think "but I'm a piece of crap, so something's wrong with him if he doesn't see that." Women like that are constantly trying to "win over" the one whose love and care they cannot have, because then they have (in their minds) proven their worth. This may or may not be Sarah's case, but it's some food for thought.

Another thing is that learning to be loving is SCARY SCARY SCARY, and a person who doesn't have experience with secure attachments is very often back-and-forth on attaching to someone. Anxious-Ambivalent is the term for it in psychology. It's a "push me, pull you" dynamic where she may feel desperate and needy and madly "in love" one minute, pulling you as close as she can get you and trying to suck up every last drop of your love because she doesnt' know when it will be available again. The next, she might be cold- suspicious of you, wondering what's coming next, expecting you to discover at last that she's worthless. During these times, she is too afraid- too focused on keeping herself safe, to even see that you haven't actually changed and that she is safe this time.

Many people experience the same dynamic when they have a loving, supportive therapist. I know I do. I have given her a run for her money so many times. I tell her how much I love and appreciate and need, need, need her (which is all true), and then I wig out and think she doesn't care, she will reject me, etc. I find every failing I can in her and I use that as evidence that I was right all along- I can never be truly safe and cared for. She has told me that the only way to heal this is to risk everything, keep taking steps toward her even when it scares the h**** out of me. I likened it to being told "Oh it's okay, go ahead and walk into oncoming traffic. I swear you won't get hurt. Trust me!" That's about the same, in our minds, as telling someone who's been abused that they are safe to bond and be vulnerable now. No way buddy, I know I'm gonna get smashed and blown to pieces!

Conversely, when I was at my lowest point in therapy and my disorganized attachment and fear of rejection was causing me to behave completely ridiculously toward her (and hurtfully, I might add, although I didn't mean to hurt anyone)-- she told me that if I wanted to go and be self-destructive and shove her away, she would LET ME. She said she would not go down with me- she would not do that to me, nor to herself. I felt thrown away, to be honest. I felt about as hurt as I have ever been. Then she said, she wouldn't trap me- not with hate and NOT WITH LOVE. Even when you love someone and want the best for them, sometimes the best you can do for the both of you is say your peace, express your love, and let go. They will have to make the choice about where to go from there, if you are willing to still be around if they come around again.

It might be that time for you and Sarah. Best of luck to you.