((( googley )))) Thank you very much. I think today I let myself down - decided to take a few drinks.... but it was either that or a bad alternative .... and I did reach out and call T but he was in session I guess with someone else... phone rang but he had to let it go to voice mail. That was ok. I came home and drank. Something I don't usually do at all. He did not call back or attempt to check on me at all. I wrote email to him though so that is fine. I think I am too reliant on T anyway so that is fine. He just proved the point that when it comes down to really being in need that he won't or can't be there either. Not his fault - just life happening. I can deal with that. And I can accept that I am too needy and too hurt for him to help anyway. So who can blame him? Ever feel like you are too broken for anyone to fix - ever? That is me.

Oh well... I will just keep on going on for today and whatever happens happens in life. He will probably tell me tommorow he can't help me any more anyway... I would expect that. I wish I had been a different person maybe. But I was not supposed to be born anyway. My dad had to get a reversal in surgery to get me. And my mom was only 18 and he was 36 when they met - and he is a pedophile anyway. So maybe I really was not supposed to ever be born... it is wrong for me to be here. But I am here anyway... Just some odd things on my mind.