My romantic interest in my husband disapeared long ago. I love him as a friend, but not a husband.
For the first time in my life, I am cheating on him. I have a "friend with benefits". I met him at a job I had to take, a physically demanding, low paying, boring job that was all that was available when my unemployment ran out. We are the same age, late 50's. He is divorced. This is not a love thing, or a permanent one. It has been going on for a year now. I find I count on the two or three times a week we get together. It is not about sex, though we do have it. Sometimes several weeks will go by without anything physical happening, even though we see each other during that time. The time I spend with this FWB is a happy spot for me. I don't think about my financial problems,my personal problems, or how my life has deteriorated in the last 3 years, after losing my job. I laugh a lot. It's like I am the person I used to be, many years ago, and I like being that person again.
My spouse is kind, loving generous, thoughtful, and loves me. I feel so guilty over what I am doing, but not guilty enough to stop.
What is up with that?
Am I a bad person, or just a selfish one? I am thinking of asking for a separation, though my financial situation may make that impossible.
I really need a therapist, but I have really bad insurance, with a huge deductible, so that isn't going happen.
I hope I can find some answers here. I know I should end this, but I am not going to. I have been looking for another job, to put some space between us, but there is nothing where I live, and I don't know if that would be enough to end it. He enjoys my company. I need that happy place. How horrible a person does this make me