You guys are so wonderful!!! Thank you so much.
I have to see my T today in 7 hours. He never reached out to contact me yesterday in any way so that tells me he thinks I am strong enough to take care of myself now. And he is right. I wish I had not used bad coping yesterday evening but it was the lesser of the only two options I saw at the momment. And I did call him first the way he asked me to do. So it was not my fault he was not able to answer the phone and was busy being a T to others... :-) He can't do anything else to help me anyway. So I got to just use other things like PC for support.

I think the hard part yesterday was finding out my only real friend (best friend of 20 yrs) has her brother dying of lung cancer that can not be treated. He may have a few months left. But that will leave her mom and dad alone and they are elderly. Plus she may be loosing her job anyway. So bottom line looks like my ONLY friend IRL may be forced to move back home which is on the other side of the state!!! UGGGG!!!!

Combine that with the changes in the way work is doing on-call crap (that was NOT what I signed up to do originally)... and my inability to have any real contact with my family who are all in another state (thanks to the abuser still being alive)... and the fact that my S/O is not happy with me for being non-sexual the past two years as I am too closed down due to the emotional part of the trauma.... and my mentor (the older guy who is a retired Ph.D psychologist) has been openly irritated with me - I guess I am not healing fast enough for him either and he wants me to join him on the projects we were working on before I had my breakdown but I can't do it in this condition - so now I feel he has also turned his back on me in some ways... Well, T was the only one I did have that I trusted. Honestly, last night was so bad that it did break my trust in T being able to help me at all. But it doesn't matter I suppose. Just one last thing to worry about falling apart if it is already gone.

So I will work today and enjoy knowing life is temporary even at its best. But knowing that no longer makes me sad.