I cried this morning. Really cried. I have no idea how long it's been since I did that.

Isn't it a sign of social failure when you hit your lowest point in years and all you can think to do is go on the ****ing Internet and write something in a ******* forum?

I realized this morning how alone I am. And no, I'm not saying that in the teenage angsty ******** way... I mean I have literally nobody to go to. My best friend is my ex, and whenever I talk to her I end up talking about how much I hate being single and having no friends, which only hurts her. It's like picking a scab. I need to let that wound heal, and talking with her just does more damage.

The only other friend I have I've only gotten to know a little. I only see her in school, and she knows almost nothing about my problems. I don't know her well enough to know that she wouldn't run the other way...

And that's it... I can't talk to my father, because he doesn't understand much at all when it comes to my issues. I'm not blaming him, it's not his fault. As he's told me, he's a duck. He's able to let things just roll off his back.

I could talk to my mother, but I don't want to put that on her. I inherited my depression from her, and I think I also inherited some addictive tendencies. She's an alcoholic, sober for over a year I think(what a horrible son... I don't even know...), and I've already put plenty of stress on her where I'm suprised she hasn't started drinking again.

And even after seeing my psych for over 5 years, I don't feel comfortable talking to him about everything. He knows nothing about my frustrations with my sexuality, my self-image issues, or eating-related problems...

I'm a senior in Highschool. I've got less than a week until graduation, and I'm failing classes I need to graduate. My whole life people, teachers, have been giving me chances. They're going to let me come back, they may let me get by a little short on credits, theyll let me do summer school... AND I HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN NOW?!?!!? Idk why, but I can't push this **** to the side and focus on school...

Everything should be fine. It's more than just possible for me to graduate, I've got a good paying job and I'll get plenty of hours, and I'm going to be in a band which is something I've dreamed of for like ever... But, as always, I'm not happy. I'm lonely, I'm single, and caught in limbo with my ex because there's nobody else to help me move on ...

I hate myself, because last night I had a ******* panic attack, so instead of singing in my final choir concert which is the final concert that choir ever has (****ing budget cuts) I took off and drove about 40 miles... then I picked my ex up and we talked, and I again said all the wrong things and made her sad, and then ended up desperately trying to make us both feel better by making her think there was still a chance for us when it was really just a way of manipulating her to get her to do a "favor" for me... I have no ****ing self control... I HATE MYSELF.....

I obviously can't deal with regular life in this state, but I have no idea what to do....I could seek help and get put in the psych ward for a while, which costs something like $1,000 a day, which will put my family further in debt since my mom's job is temporary, my dad found out he's losing his job in July, and we have less that $1,000 in savings. And that option wouldn't guarantee I'd get better. I honestly feel that the depression will never be gone... what else is there?

Well, this has gotten me to wondering what the average funeral cost is compared to what it will cost my loved ones if I keep dragging this pathetic ******** on for another 20 years at least....

((sorry for the swearing and likely incomprehensible babbling.....))