((((((((((((phantasmagoric))))))))))))))

I read the whole thing. And I'm sorry that you're in so much pain right now. I know what it's like. Depression goes WAY beyond the realms of teenage angst. For depressives, the usual amount of teen angst would actually be a huge step up from what we feel.

I'm sorry about your family's financial problems but consider this for a moment: even if your funeral costs were less than your treatment costs, which do you think your parents would rather pay? Which do you think they would say wasn't worth it? I bet they'd rather pay for you to get treatment than to lose the son that they love. The EMOTIONAL cost of losing you would be far greater than ANY monetary costs. EVER. And I hate to be blunt but if your mother suffers from/has suffered from depression and alcoholism, there is a pretty good chance that she's going to have a harder time than most with her grief. That's just the way it works. I suffer from depression myself and recently lost a loved one, and the grief was magnified ten times by my depression. Under no circumstances would your parents ever find it preferable to lose you!!!!

I tried to lean on my ex for support too. Didn't work out so well. We weren't the kind of people who should've even attempted being "just friends" after everything else that happened. But I know how hard it is letting go, especially when they've been your best friend and confidante. I don't really have any advice on that (I personally handled it really badly) but I just wanted you to know that I understand.

From the sounds of things, you really need help. It's good that you have a psychiatrist but your treatment would probably go a lot further if you had one you were comfortable with. It can take a lot of time and effort to find someone you can talk to, but they ARE out there. Sometimes, for whatever reason, we just don't "click" with certain people, even the professionals trying to help us, and that's perfectly okay. It just means we have to move on to the next one. In the meantime, if you are simply having a hard time communicating your feelings to your psychiatrist, why not print out this post to show him? I think it expresses how things are going very well. This way you won't have to say anything, it'll all be laid out there on paper, and he'll be better able to give you the help you need.

Anyway, hang in there and take care of yourself. You're not alone in your feelings and things CAN get better. I know it doesn't seem that way now but from someone who's been where you are, there ARE brighter days ahead.