Again, thank you everyone who has replied. I've read each response several times.

I don't think my T specializes in trauma or DID. I've seen him about a year. I don't know what it is or why, but he's the first T I've ever opened up to (many I barely ever even spoke to). I wouldn't want a different T.

I have asked why he thinks I have DID because I felt I did not have it. This was some time ago (we're revisiting the DID issue after backing away from it for a little while). I recall he mentioned something about the distinctness of my personalities and the types present. I think maybe I need to ask again. I'm still confused about so much. I don't think he said anything about the lack of "lost time."

I did mention in my last session (again, me trying to convince him that I don't have DID) that these "personalities" are fairly new - only existing the past couple years. His reply was maybe they were always there and I'm just now cognizant of them. I didn't really like that answer much.

One thing that really frightens me is the apparent root cause of DID. For the most part, it seems trauma based. My depression, I have accepted, is biologically and genetically based. I take medication. But to accept a condition caused by trauma? I don't want to. I don't want to accept that there was something so hurtful in my life, most likely as a child, it caused such a reaction within me.

There was a degree of emotional abuse in my family. If that was the cause, I don't like thinking I was hurt so badly and dramatically by someone I love so much and who I know loves me.

On the other hand, I don't want to find out there was something else!! And I'm afraid of "recovering" false memories. I certainly don't want to invent something that never happened!!! I want to remember only the good things about my childhood, which had its up and downs but, for the most part, was wonderful. I don't want to lose what I have - so many amazing memories. I don't want to find out I was, perhaps, terrified during those times.

And, again, I don't understand the concept of DID as it relates to personalities. These "personalities" really did only crop up during the last couple years. How can it be that I was unaware of them? How could they have been silent all these years? It doesn't make sense to me. Why are they here now? I have three littles and two who only want to hurt me.

But I think, I've hurt myself since I was a pre-teen. I did it. I've always done it. Why do I now attribute it to some "personality?" Why can't it just be me? I never felt like there was someone else inside me before - not that I recall. I remember as a child feeling like I was being watched. I don't know...

I feel more and more like my world is falling apart around me. I feel like I'm literally about to lose my mind if I continue down this path. Part of me wants to quit therapy altogether. Deny any existence of a problem. I don't understand how I was able to go to school and work for so many years (sure I encounter many obstacles), but now I can't manage anything. I feel lazy, stupid and useless. What if things never get better? What if they only get worse? My whole life, it seems, everyday is worse than the preceding day.

I'm just so confused. I know no one wants this, but I can't help thinking to myself that this wasn't suppose to happen. I'm supposed to be self-sufficient and successful, if not happy. More and more, I'm nothing. Literally falling to pieces. I don't know if I can handle this.

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