</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
shadowdancer said:
i think you've done a very right thing. it is good that you avoided pressuring her and it sounds like you said just the right stuff to keep the pressure off.

i hope that you can move on and let your life take you where you are meant to go.

she is lucky to have a friend like you now let's just hope that one day she realizes that before it is too late.

((((((((((((CMFox)))))))))))) take care of yourself and let me know if there's ever anything that i can do for ya.


shadow

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You've been very supportive and for taking time out to help a stranger, I thank you.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SweetCrusader said:
Just one additional thought to offer you. You said you feel like shouting "but I'm the good guy"! I know some women in my life (and actually have probably been one of them) who consistently reject the guy who is loving and available- and completely WONDERFUL!- and consistently cling to the guy who is rejecting and insecure and maybe even abusive. My mother once said that not only does she feel she doesn't deserve the good guy, but she also wonders what is wrong with him that he would love HER.

When a woman doesn't feel worth loving, and yet someone completely adores her, I think some have a tendency to think "but I'm a piece of crap, so something's wrong with him if he doesn't see that." Women like that are constantly trying to "win over" the one whose love and care they cannot have, because then they have (in their minds) proven their worth. This may or may not be Sarah's case, but it's some food for thought.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

It's certainly food for thought. Sarah's sense of self-worth is very low. On occasion, she would ask "am I good person?" It was a very important question for her. There were also occasions where she would ask why I didn't want to be with someone else. These were times when she was feeling especially down... in those times I would offer my support and reassurances, which she appreciated, but I don't think she quite understood them... as if she weren't deserving of them.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

Another thing is that learning to be loving is SCARY SCARY SCARY, and a person who doesn't have experience with secure attachments is very often back-and-forth on attaching to someone. Anxious-Ambivalent is the term for it in psychology. It's a "push me, pull you" dynamic where she may feel desperate and needy and madly "in love" one minute, pulling you as close as she can get you and trying to suck up every last drop of your love because she doesnt' know when it will be available again. The next, she might be cold- suspicious of you, wondering what's coming next, expecting you to discover at last that she's worthless. During these times, she is too afraid- too focused on keeping herself safe, to even see that you haven't actually changed and that she is safe this time.

Many people experience the same dynamic when they have a loving, supportive therapist. I know I do. I have given her a run for her money so many times. I tell her how much I love and appreciate and need, need, need her (which is all true), and then I wig out and think she doesn't care, she will reject me, etc. I find every failing I can in her and I use that as evidence that I was right all along- I can never be truly safe and cared for. She has told me that the only way to heal this is to risk everything, keep taking steps toward her even when it scares the h**** out of me. I likened it to being told "Oh it's okay, go ahead and walk into oncoming traffic. I swear you won't get hurt. Trust me!" That's about the same, in our minds, as telling someone who's been abused that they are safe to bond and be vulnerable now. No way buddy, I know I'm gonna get smashed and blown to pieces!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

The anxious/ambivalent thing may well have been present. It always seemed like we had our "on" time, then our "off" time, where she would need her space. When we were together she would, essentially, "draw" me into her life. But then I was separated afterwards... there was no consistency.

Initially in the relationship, she moved at a stunning speed which scared me. She, essentially, won ME over. Unfortunately after the "honeymoon period" her commitment started to wane. There was, well, ambivalence! When we first met I had plans to travel to London, but I abandoned those because I deemed our relationship more important. I assured her that I was "there" for her, I wasn't going anywhere and she was with a secure, caring guy who DID adore her for her mind and her body - her soul damnit! As those reassurances came from me, she started to recoil slightly.

As for the fault finding... that rings more than a few bells! She accused me of not being supportive to her needs and I was incredulous! She cited ONE incident where I was late in arriving at her new flat to help tidy things up - late because I was held up at work, which was beyond my power. This seemed to override all my other loving and supportive behavior!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

Conversely, when I was at my lowest point in therapy and my disorganized attachment and fear of rejection was causing me to behave completely ridiculously toward her (and hurtfully, I might add, although I didn't mean to hurt anyone)-- she told me that if I wanted to go and be self-destructive and shove her away, she would LET ME. She said she would not go down with me- she would not do that to me, nor to herself. I felt thrown away, to be honest. I felt about as hurt as I have ever been. Then she said, she wouldn't trap me- not with hate and NOT WITH LOVE. Even when you love someone and want the best for them, sometimes the best you can do for the both of you is say your peace, express your love, and let go. They will have to make the choice about where to go from there, if you are willing to still be around if they come around again.

It might be that time for you and Sarah. Best of luck to you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
It is that time for me. I believe that now more than ever. Since the break up - or at least since she rekindled things with Jack - I have tried to be understanding. I have contacted her and been met with hostility, when I feel I'm the one who should be indulging on bitterness and anger! Now I've sent the letter I've said my final piece... there's nothing more to add. If she texts me telling me to "LEAVE ME ALONE!", fine. If she doesn't contact me, fine. I need to let this go and move on with MY life. Good luck to Sarah. Even though I've endured lies and wholly inconsistent and hurtful behavior, I'm not going to lash out, but I'm not going to pine for her either.

Thank you for your support.