So here I am, come crawling back.. I need support. Oh my god..

I messed up last night. This past week I started getting all obsessed about that guy I've been dating.. (here comes the pattern), thinking about him all the time, thinking he was sure to reject me, reading through his WHOLE wall on Facebook, looking through all of his pictures and his friends and blahhhh.. getting all crazy giddy over birthday messages from him, basically having a total FLOOD, total unstoppable RUSH of feelings for him.

Talked with T about this last night.

*sexual content**trig*

Basically told her I would be ashamed of myself if I did anything sexual with him so soon, that I hate my pattern of sleeping with someone right away, that it makes me hate myself and feel dirty, that I'm really NOT the kind of girl that should be EASY!

Well, after tonight, I have to face it, I'm ******* EASY. I just AM. I'm sorry, T.

Last night I gave him a BJ. We'd gone out dancing, I was drinking. I think my drinks were stronger than I thought. I danced with him a lot. Then he drove me home. Then.. he came inside.. And it just happened..

The worst part is it was all for his pleasure. I gave him a freaking BJ. I didn't get anything out of it.

And he did things, things that REINFORCE my old patterns which I'm trying to break!!!!! Like he choked me a little while we were kissing..

I feel like a *****. I never want to show my face to T again. I was trying so hard to be GOOD and do the right thing and date mindfully.. and then I let it happen again.. I can still taste him in my mouth.. I feel sick and just want to curl up and die.