I'll add some disclaimers:

I'm writing from a positive place, about a positive place, and I am aiming for positivity overall.

*If you are unhappy with positive thinking (no kidding, some people seem to take offense), or you don't like how I write personally... then the "back button" is at the top of your screen Seriously, don't bring me down

* I am trying to promote, grow and nurture positive elements in myself and hopefully in others. I don't have all the answers, don't claim to... and I'm writing from my experiences and from what I see. I am open to sharing opinions, but please don't just criticize. State what you think in comparison, please don't pick what i say apart

* and above all else - join in, discuss, but work at framing what you say in a positive way...

OKs.. so, i don't talk about myself in very positive terms, not often anyways. i worry about sounding vain or bragging... i was married to a narcissist so i would never say a good word about myself. If i sound vain, forgive me... i am really just trying to say better things about myself and i don't quite have the knack yet

i'm writing this from my hospital bed. i just had major abdominal surgery to remove multiple tumors. i could be laying here focusing on the pain, the long recovery ahead, the fact that i have no income to speak of and there is more uncertainty than certainty in my near-future. But... where would that get me?

i want to focus on making this forced challenge be a launching pad into where i want to be. i am not focused on the crappy food ( ), i'm focused on the fact that i am fortunate enough to live in a place where i was able to get such excellent treatment.

something shifted in my mind recently... i don't know exactly how or why, i just have clues. One thing i know is that i began to turn my attention to living instead of existing. My T and i were discussing positives and how i needed to look for them. i got frustrated at first, positives... how could i see positives in the disaster that my life is? But... it isn't like i am pretending life is working out perfectly, i am not denying the hardship i am facing... no, instead i am facing it with a different attitude.

i began by examining my life for what i was doing that gave me even a smile... where was the joy? where was the peace? where was anything other than despair? What i saw made me cry. There was nothing, except my dogs and i was neglecting to even really soak up the love they so readily give. i was so caught in my worry that i was turning away from even that simple gift. So, think about it... by giving them love back, and by openly letting myself feel their love... how is it impacting my situation? No, it doesn't pay my rent, but it means that for a short time out of each day i can feel something other than misery. Sounded like a plan to me.

i have a complicated history, not as bad as some, worse than others, and i won't go into that here, it isn't the point. But, because of my history i don't have a good sense of what ***i*** enjoy, i have a lot of things other people have told me to do and a lot of confusion. So, job number 1 has been to try to assess what does in fact bring a smile. What do i like? What might i like? It's trial and error.

i started trying to teach myself harmonica... it's free bc i already owned one, and it's creative so it takes me out of my "chattering" verbal mind and i think i like it.

i began to look harder for things that were positive around me... like extra whipped cream on my hot chocolate (bonus!). ANYTHING that is positive and makes you feel good in any way. Now, that isn't the same as just being pleasure-seeking, and don't lie to yourself and say that taking street drugs is the same exercise... you ALL know it isn't. Look for real positives, things that aren't counterproductive, you know?

it can be simple like the harmonica... it can be as cheap as drawing cartoons on paper...

i thought hard about how much i like to cook and bake... and the joy it brings when i give that stuff to others. So, i began to bake. This time last year i had a job, a lot more money than now (even if it still wasn't enough) and i had far more "reason" to be happy... but i was eating a half a box of kraft dinner a day and i would never spend the money to buy enough butter to bake something nice. i was suffering terribly... soul suffering. This past week alone i baked two strudels... bought the butter, gave the strudels away and reaped the happiness of seeing people's faces light up. It was like some kind of salve for my poor heart.

i am advocating seeking out the things that give you a light in the darkness.

Dig down deep and think about yourself as a creature of light. No lie... inside you, despite whatever crap life has handed you, there are the seeds of a beautiful person. Again, no lie. You have the capacity for love, to be loved, to give and to be happy. For real.

i began to try to just think harder about what my strengths are. Now, i don't see myself as strong and i don't see myself as really having strengths. It feels wrong to say i have them... but screw that, it isn't helpful. Pretend you already believe you do, don't play that game with yourself. If you are smart enough to be able to read this then you are smart enough to know that every single human being has strengths... we just block ourselves, tie ourselves up and we get crap handed to us that makes us not believe in the strength. That's the truth of it, we have them, but we haven't been taught to see or use them well. So, pretend you are already there.

how are you wording things to yourself? are your statements of strength followed by negatives or yeah-but's? Are you building hurdles before building a foundation?

i have a tendency to try to build the whole future instead of looknig at what i can do right now, and then letting the rest unfold as i go. So, i can start with what seems like a positive, good idea and before i make a step i have shot myself down with all the potential problems. Sound familiar?

oh wow...

ok... i know this is incomplete... i have a lot i want to say... but, i am writing it from that hospital bed.... sudden wave of exhaustion.

i gotta go rest for a while...

but jump in ok?

Tell me one positive thing about your day or your world. One. Just one. If you love anyone then you have that one. Tell me about how you are working toward a better future.

take something, anything, about yourself and find a way to say it that brings you a positive feeling... now is not the time to be shy

be well