Perna, I don't know. I thought I was dealing with the real issues too. I don't know if I set myself up to fail.

Googley, I'm not sure I want it to be over with this guy.. I do think I screwed up and didn't value myself enough to wait to give him this. I should apologize to myself, I guess, but how do I do that? FYI: The choking thing.. it was actually kinda sexy, it didn't hurt.. but at the same time I feel guilty because I know where that kind of stuff leads me (a very dark place). I don't know how I feel about him after all this. He's been great, funny, kind, understanding, and fun to be around! He just.. I was drunk.. I was the one who initiated.. it's not his fault.

Another piece to this is he asked if I wanted him to stay the night and I told him he could crash on the couch, but not in bed with me. Now I wish I had asked him to sleep next to me because then I wouldn't feel so dirty..

skeksi, yes.. I guess it's good that I'm seeing the pattern. I was drunk so of course I acted in accordance with my pattern.. seeing how it played out, I guess, will help me.

But what do I do now? I keep wanting to call him, send a text, anything! But we don't normally communicate like that. He always texts first, and we only see each other once a week so far. But now I'm feeling desperate and anxiety is high. I want my T.. What do I DO? I want to talk to him, I want to make it better.. I don't know what the best course of action is. I don't know how to feel better or fix what I've done.. It doesn't help that I'm also hung over right now.

I want to see him again. Or maybe I don't. I'm so scattered and confused. What do I do now? When do I call him? Do I call him? Do I wait for him to call? What's the next move? Do I explain that I want to take a step back? Or do I just take a step back without explaining? What if he rejects me? What if he never calls? I hate relationships. I hate sex. I wish I could cut out every part of me that ever wanted sex. I hate my body. This stupid lump of skin and nerves and flesh. I hate this stupid self.