I was hiding in my little hole for quite awhile now, but the past week has really made me create new tunnels and go deeper.

I found out that the manager who was hired at the same time as I was - same position, level of authority, etc. is getting paid $6,000 per year more than I am. He has less experience than I do in terms of the restaurant industry, has never been a General Manager (I have 3 times), yet is making lots more than me.

I went to the DM and voiced my concerns about this (I was livid) and his response was, "you took the job at that rate of pay, you had a choice. You were looking at confidential information and I don't see why you are so upset. This is not an issue. Your feelings do not matter."

I discovered this by complete accident. I was looking in the uniform payment folder to make sure that no money was left in there, and the paper was in there from payroll with our salaries on there. Now really, why would that be in the uniform envelope??

So, nothing is going to change about my salary. This guy does so much less work than I do and hires people that he shouldn't. Even the higher ups said that I do a better job with interviewing and selecting employees.

Then someone from my past shows up..........a man I fell so head over heels for. Wouldn't work then (we were together for over 2 years) since we are both married, and for the same reasons won't work now. Stirred up way too many feelings - which haven't changed on either side.

Then today I see my T.......the last few sessions have really bothered me. Seems like he is just pushing at me to "get better and have a more productive life" as fast as possible. Then I'm gone and he'll be rid of me. That absolutely terrifies me........he is the reason I'm still alive. My life line to stop the chaos.

It seems we have conflicting goals about why I come see him. I go to talk to him, to understand why I do certain things and to figure out how to handle it better. I don't look that far ahead to a "happier, more productive life". I don't believe in it.

My T seems to be more stressing these techniques (DBT) and not interested in anything else really. We talked about the work situation and how I felt, then focused on being aware of the feelings and controlling them. I send him emails about other things (like the new personal issue, and other stress things) but nothing.

It seems like I'm in school and have homework to do (exercises: this time it is dealing with my feelings for 30 sec. x 10 per day but not acting on them) and the push is on to improve me and get me going.

One time he says that I can continue to see him as long as I wish, then he tells me that we won't have a permanent working relationship forever............

I really am alone out here. I wrote my T a note before I left because he told me if those are the only reasons I come to see him, he should know this and we have no reason to continue on. More than likely I will not return. It is two weeks till my next appt. - I had tried for next week but in an email he told me that "I need to deal with these feelings on my own and in between appts." I wrote that he is correct, that he does have a right to know and that I can't go along with his goal because I don't and never will look that far ahead.

I also said goodbye to him and gave him my word no more emails or calls. We did the email thing everyday back and forth. I feel so completely lost and abandoned. Yes, I am overly sensitive these days.

My T replied with an email saying that he didn't have time right now to give a detailed reply - he has to think about the issues that I have raised and he will get back to me.

It doesn't matter. My feelings at work don't matter, and lord knows they don't matter at home. It just seems like he is pulling at me to go to this nice, happy place he envisions. I may not be happy where I am, but I am comfortable there.

Maybe I don't want to change, just understand myself. I don't know anymore.