UPDATE: Well, thanks again guys for all the hugs and wonderful support!!! Could NOT have made it without you!! Wow.... what a journey this life has been.

I did see T after work yesterday. We set up the apt for next week at the start of session and he was going to have me see him 2x but I said just 1x next Wed. I said it because I was still mad at him and really just didn't want to see him ever again and thought if I set it up for that far into the week that I will just go over the edge for good since that was exactly how I felt inside. Very wounded.

It was an intense session but not really in talking words. He told me about some stuff he had going on the day before (when I called him and sent emails but he did not respond). I didn't even say anything at all to him about any of my pain concerning that but it was like he was addressing it without me asking. He had a very hard day was the bottom line and I did make a choice to use bad coping skills and sent him an email telling him I was drunk. So by the time he would have had the chance to call me back, I was not sober and he does not work like that. Which is totally fair. I still wish he would have sent me back an email at the least. I ended up really hurting myself with my other bad coping thing that I only do when in too much pain. Uggg. It was something I promised T I would not do. So then I felt bad for breaking my promise. But I thought he broke his promise first by not being there for me when I needed him the most.

It is so odd how the mind works. There was a lot of pain I had to sort through over the past few days. Thankfully I am still ok and have managed to learn a lot about myself in the process. And the emotional numbing was so big that I think it has propelled me into the end of my trauma work. I am now at the acceptance phase and decided to put it all behind me - in that I don't have any more need to cry about stuff or allow myself to hurt inside because of it. I let my little kid inside cry it all out over the past few months.

I still need to talk with T about how this all went down - because I want / need the honest relationship therapy alone can give. I have to trust the process that I can tell T about the truth without worry that he will blame himself. He had to make a choice that day and considering what he had going on, I do not blame him. I just decided to see the worst and not trust T and use that as an excuse to self harm when I could have made a different choice about the whole thing.

But like I said, I am not perfect and I am certainly learning from these things. So I will have to forgive myself and just step forward. I really wish I had not told my T that I only needed to see him Wed because I would love the chance to go ahead and get all this out in the open with him. But at least the healing is forward motion so that has to count for something when all things are considered. There is a HUGE thing that was a trigger for me doing what I did that broke my word to T. And I need to talk with him about that. UGGGG!!!! I feel so stupid about that in a way. But in another way, I don't at all. It was what it was.

The awesome thing was the heart to heart talk he gave me though. I am still chewing on that big time. He hit the nail on the head with some big stuff. I will think about that conversation for a very long time. Trauma therapy has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. But it has also been the best thing I have ever done for myself emotionally.

Peace and Joy to all!