Kind of a follow-up to my other post in Depression.

The minute I left my T's office and stepped outside, it was there and back in full force: the feeling of complete aloneness.

I can handle being alone physically, but not having someone to talk to that understands the real "me".........is beyond terror.
The last time this happened, I started drinking and cutting to an extreme. I can't drink now because I am home.

I don't think my T and I can come to any sort of negotiation agreement on this issue. Before I even got to my car, I wanted to hurt myself. I carry a mini-knife on my keyring just for this reason.

As I sit here, the urge is so bad...........the idea of just copping out and ending it all is there too. I promised my T no emails, no calls..............completely cut off from any support in my 3D world.

I have been browsing online for all those suicide websites, and trying to keep it all together here at home......I need to just escape here and get out. Anywhere, somewhere......and I can't. I want so badly to call my T just to hear him say he cares, don't be stupid, we'll talk about it. After he got my note, he didn't call me - just an email.

I have such a migraine. I look at my legs and it scares me. There are so many cuts and scars on them. I contemplated my wrist earlier but decided not to - just in case and I had to have that visible at work.

I went to chat last night and felt like I was intruding (no one made me feel that way, please believe that). I wanted to end it all last night, and that was before my session today with my T.

Surface-wise no one would even guess what I am thinking......which is good. At least my outer self can still control that aspect of my life at work and among people. Inside is just chaos. A mixture of pain, urges, abandonment, loss, terror, coldness, etc.

[sigh] On the way home I started planning again. My thoughts are nightmares lately when I sleep. Vivid, horrifying scenes. I wish I could go back to the hospital where I was safe before, but I can't. Insurance has changed and I can't afford to lose my job.

I think on my headstone should be the statement, "Found Peace".

I know everyone here has far bigger issues than this, please don't think I am just whining. I can't talk to anyone, or call.......so I need to type. I am sorry.