Elysium, thank you for taking the time to give such great explanations of things. My T has tried to explain the concept of "personalities" or "identities," much the way you described. However, it's so hard at times to focus on what he's saying and internalize it all. I'm not entirely unintelligent, but, geez, sometimes if feels that way. Often, I need to be exposed to a concept over and over and over before it starts to sink in. I think maybe I'm getting there. Everything everyone has written has been helpful.

The co-consciousness concept is something I think I'd like to ask my T about. Perhaps he's mentioned it already? But I know I'm always present when my various identities emerge. Often, they emerge to interact with me - especially the self-injurious ones. The littles kind of do their own thing! My littlest is always buzzing around close by when she's out.

It was comforting what possum220 wrote about not finding something horribly awful that happened. It's excruciatingly painful to admit I was emotionally abused (I cringe every time I think the thought. I feel I'm betraying my family.) But considering DID, the pain is tenfold because I have to face how the abuse affected me. I'm in my 30's and it was only a year ago I accepted (or am trying to accept) I was subjected to a lifetime of emotional abuse.

I can definitely relate to your dessert/cacti analogy - only jumping cacti. Never knowing when I was going to get yelled at or for what. The thing I did the day before was fine to do, but not that day. Trying to be good, but never being good enough. Trying, but always seeming to fail in the end. Inconsistency. Emotional volatility. At the same time, such perfection. I had such a perfect childhood. Crazy, jumping cacti...never knowing if I was going to get stuck.

So maybe that was enough. I know about that. ...I don't feel much about it though. I was talking with a friend last night who mentioned feelings. I can't get angry at my abusers. The only sadness I feel is that I couldn't have been better. Can the different identities be manifestations of different emotions? My littlest is the only one who can find happiness.

Is this my time to feel emotions? I've always felt nothing but depression, numbness, self-hate, guilt, and depression-induced rage (don't get enraged on my meds).

I'm trying to get myself used to the idea. I'm wishing I'd never seen the movie Sybil (bless her heart). I don't like thinking I'm that hurt. Though, when I've described what I've done to myself (and I don't know that anyone knows everything), the few people I've told seem to think it's pretty intense. Isn't it funny the things you do to yourself just don't seem that bad? If I heard someone else describe what I've done, I'd be taken aback a bit. People have said I'm taking my anger out on myself. Isn't it odd to think I'd do the things I do instead of feeling emotions? Were emotions too overwhelming, so I stopped feeling them? That's a little scary...what would make me want to feel them now?!

I'm confusing myself again. I try to think things through logically only to end up confusing myself. This brings me to feeling like I just have to trust my T. (Who's dumb idea is that?!) Trust him to know what he's doing. Trust him to care and not hurt me. Trust him to not abandon me. Trust him not to get annoyed with me, which if he's stood me this long I suppose he's committed. He's already promised not to get angry with me, ever. He's said I'm safe in his office, but safe doesn't mean much to me. Others have said I was safe when I wasn't. Do they care? What if he only seems to care, but doesn't and walks away? Now, I'm just making myself afraid and sad!!

I told my friend last night I feel like I'm trying to decide to step off the edge of a cliff into darkness and to trust that another person, my T, will watch over me.

Forgive my rambling...writing helps me think.

Ouch...my head hurts!