I know that people say its never okay. But what if you truly ask for it.

Lately I have been unable to keep on good terms with my mother. I am so infuriated I cant even sleep. My mother always calls me names and if Im defiant enough I will get hit. It doesnt really hurt when she hits me, and I am so tired of keeping quiet. I know I should, but Im so tired. Im tired of her calling me stupid and if I ask her why she calls me names she dismisses everything with "BECAUSE IM YOUR MOTHER"...if I tell her I dont like getting dressed with my door open I tell her to repect my privacy ...she opens the door more and says "I WANT THE DAMN DOOR OPEN, IM YOUR MOTHER...THERES NO FREAKIN MAN OUT TO GET YOU SO YOU KEEP THIS OPEN".

Today I was "Pig, animal, retard, lunatic, idiot".
I have a problem keeping my room clean, and I went into a rage and I threw everything on the floor. I guess Im having a tantrum. When I was younger....my mother would burst into my room and tell me it was a pig stye (even if it was clean)...and she would throw all my stuff on the floor and dig things out of my closets and drawers and throw it everywhere and tell me later to clean it up....even though it was her own mess. I guess thats how I feel....I dont want to clean my room and I dont want to listen to her anymore..I dont want to bend my head down and say "Yes im stupid, yes im an animal" IM TOO TIRED.

But I think im going overboard. While Im having this tantrum, I think its reasonable that she would call me all these names and hit me. Because Im asking for it with my behaviour. If you are defiant enough, you deserve to get hit dont you? I keep hearing her voice telling me not to "plead innocence"..and I dont want her to be right....I cant be a victim of abuse if im asking for it...right? Im scared of being a victim because she always tells me how anybody would hit me if they knew how much of a monster I was...and I drive her to hit me and yell at me. I dont want her to be right....when she says I "plead innocence"...I somehow need to know I am responsible for this. My tantrums are fuel enough for yelling and hitting. I dont know what I need anymore, I am just posting here all the time now because I am in confusion and I think im just going out of my mind.