I feel myself spiraling with irritability again. Last time I got so fed up with my wife, I nearly walked out.

She has Multiple Sclerosis. She is probably about to be diagnosed with a disease called Neuromyelitis Optica or NMO. THis is a very serious and very rare disease. One study showed 33% of the people in the study died within 5 years from Respiritory Failure. Nerves in your spinal cord get affected and ruin you. I held off telling my wife all of this. She knows its bad, She knows that it is a serious issue, so what does she do, Go outside and Smoke. She already has heat sensitivity issues so I made it off limits to smoke in the house. Figuring that when it gets 90 degrees outside which it already is doing, she would realize that smoking was not as important as her health. Low and behold, she still goes out and smokes.

If I buy cigarettes (I also smoke though have set a quit date of July 4th)... I buy 2 packs. 1 for her 1 for me. Telling her that I will not buy more cigarettes in hopes that she would learn to ration out her cigarettes so that she can stretch a pack to 3 days or more like I do. Instead hers are gone in a day and a half at best. Then she comes up "Ryan, Can I have one of your Cigarettes". If I say yes, I teach her nothing. If I say no I get attitude from her. She has tried to quit 2 times using that new medication, failed both times. Getting her dad to buy it for $80+ each time. If she runs out of cigarettes, and I am not awake, she will get her dad or sister to go to the store and buy some more for her.

It has come to a point where I care more about her health than she does. I have tried everything that I can to be here for her, to do what she needs. After a talk over a year ago, when her Multiple Sclerosis started causing seizures, we decided for me to quit my job so that I could become a caregiver. Taking care of whatever she needed. Being stubborn, she still tries to do things on her own, and then wonder why her Methadone wont work. She asks for help sometimes, but she just doesnt get it. I have chosen to be a slave to whatever she needs, and she continues to hurt herself, not caring about her health.

Tonight I finally decided to do something I didnt really want to do. I have made a pact that I am going to kill myself smoking every damn cigarette that she gets someone to buy, thus preventing her from smoking. She doesnt get it.

This, while trying to stay compliant on my medications, is not helping me and MY issues any. I understand that she doesnt have the ability to do things for me when my medications wipe me out. I know this. She can talk. Instead when I get irritable, storm off, she comes gets the dog and leaves me alone. I have told her that I need to talk. I just dont know how to talk. I need her there for me, have told her that time and time again, and here she comes, gets the dog, and off she goes.

I come on here to try and escape sometimes. As some of you may know I try and go fishing as well to help escape. Only to find out when I come back that she has done more things that were not important, then I have to hear her whine and "wince" in pain when her methadone doesnt work.

I log into PC, trying to escape, then I see topics where people are trying to have children. I have no problem with people wanting a child, it just hit close to me and I am sure most of you know the thread I am talking about. If anyone read anything I posted in that thread, please understand it was not hatred that may have been portrayed in my words. I simply got hit yesterday hard when reading it, knowing that there is NO WAY I could ever justify bringing a child into this world knowing that there is a chance that we could pass on this NMO disease. Multiple Sclerosis would be hard enough to pass on, but this. No chance. So now, I am married to a woman, who doesnt care about her health, who is ruining me emotionally with my Bipolar. My medications, while I am compliant, are probably about to be upped. I have no problem with Lamictal. Have titrating up for the last 5 weeks to 100MG. This is about to be bumped to 200MG. I have had NO problems with Lamictal so thats fine. Geodon, that is a different can of worms. I am currently at 40mg which I can typically tolerate fine. But sometimes when I take 60mg, which is what they initially tried to start me back on, I get slight breathing issues. Not sure whats going on because sometimes I do fine. Maybe its just Anxiety.

Anxiety is something I am starting to notice, which ended me up in the ER with a full blown panic attack. Also have severe HIgh blood pressure. Now I have over $4,000 of hospital bills that I cant pay.

I try and try to do right for my wife, but it seems like she cant do right for herself. Instead I look over and see her falling asleep with a mouth full of food, or a soda in her hand passed out. She doesnt care. She has already fallen off the toilet and gave herself a black eye. Which also ended up busting blood vessels in her eye.

I try coming here to help, and realize that what I say, is crap. I see people like Grizmom... Very insightful, very helpful, very compassionate and understanding of people... and then there is me.

I'm waiting for a decision on Disability, though am expecting a denial. I cant fish as much now because my wife wont care for herself when I am gone. Video games trigger anxiety. I have nothing left to escape to. My sleep schedule has NEVER been good. When I was a child I saw my father sexually abuse my sister while I "acted" like I was asleep because I couldnt do anything about it. Sleeping ever since has only come when I get tired. Sometimes this is 10 hours after waking up, sometimes it is 20+. I just dont know what I can do. I want a kid, I wany my wife to understand that she has to take responsibility for her health, but I have taken a vow, and I will stand by that. I just....don't know how to escape anymore.