<font color=purple>further update:</font color=purple>

I went to therapy this afternoon. First talked about the kids getting into things and he had some ideas about dealing with that (allowance paid in quarters, which stays in a cup with each kid's name on their own cup - if they take things they lose quarters). Then I told him about the cutting (didn't even get into that I was finding new methods too). Now he says I have to stop doing it. I asked why, and he said because I have to be a role model for other people. "But they don't have to know about it." I'm blanking out on what he said in reply to that - something about that I know about it, oh, and since it keeps getting worse, what happens if I cut too much and need stitches. He also asked about meds and said maybe I should consider them. I said I was taking SJW, but had stopped taking it over the past week, and he said that he's pretty practical and if something works that's fine with him, but that I need to just plan to keep taking the SJW and not stop taking it. (I did start taking it again last night and have taken it today).

I feel like I ought to be able to stay in control without artificial help like SJW and light therapy, or even talk therapy. There's no tangible reason for me to get like this, but it happens anyway. Mary Alice, if I can get like this for almost no reason at all, then who is it that is whining? Not you. Then, on the other hand, sometimes I want to feel 'real' and need to let myself get out of control in order to feel 'real.'

Thanks for reading this. It is good to have a place where people understand. I hope that we are not just a bad influence on each other here, but the support and understanding and friendship are really wonderful.

Wendy

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>