As i have been saying, i am shifting my focus and persepctive to something more positive and workable. Bad stuff is happening and will continue to happen. i am working to make life better, but i cannot change some things and so i can do one of two things - face it with a brave heart or turn my face away in fear. In both cases the bad things will still be happening, but in one option i have the choice of greater strength and happiness. i will still shake in fear, i will still cry, but i will do so knowing that there is more to life than those and that the bad times will not last forever.

i'm almost grateful (almost) for this most recent bout of medical mayhem. i had drifted from the conscious awareness of inner strength that i had learned young from other medical trials. This has brought my abilities to overcome back fresh into my memory and i am gaining something from it that i hope i never lose sight of again. My pinnacle of inner determination to keep going is a two-fold event in my early teens. Having shattered my pelvis i got up and went looking for my best friend. i was in shock but my love and concern for her safety overrode the pain... that is a valuable lesson. Love can overcome anything. It may not stop bad things from happening, but it can preserve something within us that is more valuable than almost anything. The second stage was when i was lifted on a sheet to be moved and i screamed, cried and offered to do anything... i'd have sold my soul in that moment, without hesitation... the pain was just too much to bear. i remember it as i tell myself that i was able to withstand more than i could have ever imagined and that it did pass... as unending and all-encompassing as it seemed, it did end.

i remember these lessons now as i struggle with recovering from surgery and rebuilding my life on many levels at once.

i have begun to look for new wording in things.... problems are terrible things, insurmountable, dogged things... but challenges are there to be overcome. Challenge has the inherent possibility of winning. i have decided i will try to see my problems as challenges.

i also don't accomplish this or that... i have victories. They may be small... hell, going to pee by myself was a victory! Think about it... think about the extra power and feeling of reward in claiming a victory vs just saying you made it through something!

i know i am going to sound like a crackpot to some... and i know to the very depressed it's all going to sound like i have some kind of extra thing you don't have, can't have or can't do... something that makes my situation so different from yours that OF COURSE i can do it but you can't. NONSENSE. It's a lie, and don't you believe it.

my life is in the crapper kids... seriously. i'm in the frickin' hospital for pete sake, recovering from a difficult surgery - alone. No one to hold my hand or even be there when i came around. i'm dirt poor without any solid path to an income any time soon... and i have a physical disability to boot. So, don't boohoo about how bad it is for you... it's hard all around... so get up and get going. i'm not being harsh, i'd like to see you succeed.

CLAIM YOUR OWN VICTORIES

step one.... make a list of 5 things you are grateful for... anything. Be grateful for marmalade and blue birds.... it doesn't matter what it is. It doesn't have to be giant things we all hope for... i mean, you don't have to "be there" to find things to be grateful for. Do you have anyone who loves you? If not, do you love anyone else? Having someone that you love, regardless of whether they return it is something powerful and dear.

Be grateful you can read this if need be. My cervical vertebrae ligament structure is in trouble... and got pretty distresed about that... but i got busy being grateful for each day that i have full use of my arms and legs. See what i mean?

so get grateful... make gratitude a daily practice. Make the conscious decision to choose gratitude for what you have over bitterness over what you don't.

step two... challenges... start finding your own ways to reword your world. Let's suppose you wanted to describe your life in the best possible way to someone. Let's suppose you want to make the best impression you can from your life, but you still need to remain honest. We all do this when we need to, so make it a habbit. It means being honest, so we aren't denying or minimizing, we are just choosing to not emphasize the negative. That person you need to impress is YOU... our inner selves listens to the way we talk about everything and we then live it. Start giving yourself a better narrative to start from

step three... challenges and dreams - really try living. What are your dreams? What would your life be like if you could remove all the barriers and obstacles? Seriously... never mind the nonsense about owning 10 sportscars... what would your life be like? what would you imagine yourself doing, thinking and feeling each day? If you were able to do anything, what things would you choose? Why? write these things down in as much detail as possible... then start looking for ways to make life be about living.

i know... it sounds preachy and stupid... but it isn't. For one, having a goal-directed life gives people a sense of purpose and meaning and that in itself is fulfilling. It isn't about arriving, it's about the act of trying to get there. People who work toward goals always have something to look at to give themselves a sense of meaning.

if you have goals and dreams.. try making plans to acheive them.... make a tree diagram with the goal at the top... then break it down into subgoals, what has to happen to achieve the larger goal? Then, break those down... keep going until it gets down to ridiculously silly things that can be managed. Like, today, i can research some exhibition opportunities online. It isn't "making it as an artist" but it is a real step i can take TODAY that will contribute to the end goal. It gives a real sense of reward to check off a small task on a list and say that today I did something that will help get me where i want to go

ok... enough babbling.... i should probably rest some. You'd think i was in a hospital or something

take care, cheer yourself on and GET GRATEFUL!!!

muchos smoochos!