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Originally Posted by jexa
So here I am, come crawling back..
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Welcome back, jexa!
We couldn't care less about your mode of travel.
(“Enlightenment doesn't care how you get there.” -- Thaddeus Golas 
)
Sorry I'm late coming to this thread. I wasn't expecting you back yet so I've only been checking for your posts every few days.
I'm listening to you from a bit of a distance but perhaps I can give us both some benefit of that distance. The distinction I find myself wanting to draw is between experiencing whatever you're experiencing, and acting out. You seem to have been doing some of both and (it sounds like) mixing them up:
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This past week I started getting all obsessed about that guy I've been dating.. (here comes the pattern), thinking about him all the time, thinking he was sure to reject me, reading through his WHOLE wall on Facebook, looking through all of his pictures and his friends and blahhhh.. getting all crazy giddy over birthday messages from him, basically having a total FLOOD, total unstoppable RUSH of feelings for him.
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Quote:
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This past week I started getting all obsessed about that guy I've been dating.. (here comes the pattern), thinking about him all the time, thinking he was sure to reject me, reading through his WHOLE wall on Facebook, looking through all of his pictures and his friends and blahhhh.. getting all crazy giddy over birthday messages from him, basically having a total FLOOD, total unstoppable RUSH of feelings for him.
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You're also busy putting together a
story around whatever just happened:
Looking at it as "I let it happen again," especially, is only going to make it harder for you to see what actually happened, experience whatever you experienced, and move on. When you say you "let it happen again", it's as if there's this thing out there separate from you that keeps doing nasty stuff to you, that you've got to guard against and apologize for. Suppose there is no "again", there's only now. When you find yourself choosing to give someone a BJ, what's that about for you? What statement are you making, to them, to yourself, perhaps even to T? And no, no,
NO, I'm
not trying to tell you you mustn't make such statements or give BJs. I'm just asking: was it a statement you were choosing to make, or felt you had to? And if you had to, what exactly was driving you? You wanted to please him, maybe? You wanted to keep him around? You wanted to see how he'd take it, to test if he was worth continuing a relationship with? You wanted to prove nobody could care about you so you wouldn't have to worry about relationships any more? You wanted him to reject you and get it over with, drop the other shoe? This is just what I can make up, on short notice and at a distance; I barely know you and I wasn't there. Any of these, if they turned out to be
true for you, could give you another handle on mindful dating.
Whatever you do, though, stop beating yourself up for what happened, trying to fix it up and make it mean something different. Mindfulness is in the exact opposite direction from that.
More later, quite likely. Gotta run.
