Well, I ended up blowing up last night. She asked for help and I told her no. I have done everything I can for her, and got so fed up with her, I told her no. THis is the FIRST time I have ever done this. This is something I had no right to do. It has been my job to do anything and everything for her and I felt like **** when I told her no.

I just keep trying to get her to realize what she is doing and for some reason, thought pissing her off enough would help things. I ended up getting my pillows and going to the other bedroom to sleep. Calling it my 'bedroom' last night. I punched the walls more and harder than I should have, kicked the wall. Needless to say it was not a good night. She ended up going to her moms house at 5:00 in the morning despite nobody really being awake. Just to get away from me. She said last night because I was mad at her she was afraid to ask me to do anything for her, feeling like I would breeak something. I have broken a laptop, some computer mice, etc in the past so her fear is somewhat justified. I have never hit her, will never hit her. She knows this, I take out my anger and agression on other things. It would not have been anything to me last night to break my xbox, my 50" TV we have so she can see it, anything. It wouldnt have mattered to me last night.

As I am sure most of you could have guessed, I love my wife more than anything. I would rather die myself than have her go through the struggles she is going through. But I know that would not heal her. I still plan on quitting on 4th of July, giving myself time to ween off cigarettes, and I guess I will have to go back to hiding my cigarettes. I shouldnt have to go buy cigarettes every day and a half if she is smoking them all the time. I guess from here on out, I will buy us more until my quit date when I run out and only when I run out. When she is out, and I have hidden mine, I guess I just deal with her lip and tell her if she needs more, call her dad or wait until I run out of cigarettes. I just dont deserve the attitude that I get, which just starts to trigger. Its like it doesnt matter. Yesterday I heard, "I just get in so much pain". Pain doesnt get helped with cigarettes. If anything, cigarettes are a vaso-constrictor, shrinking your blood vessels, increasing your blood pressure, making it worse. She and I are both Medical Assistants..... She knows all of this.

I've made the decision to love her, richer or poorer, sickness and in health. But its like sometimes my mental health issues take back seat to her physical health issues. I am continuously being told "I'm Sorry" for things that she does on accident. But nothing appears to be genuine. She appologizes for something, and then a day later does the same thing again. Time and time again. Then I have to deal with her mother talking to my wife behind my back like, "This is why Ryan needs to not be going fishing all the time," and then not knowing why I choose to avoid her and her house.

So far today, I have told my wife good morning, she has responded in kind. It seems like last night got swept under the rug for now, even though it still leaves a big lump, its not seen at this moment. May trip over that rug a few times today, who knows. We will see.