Ah my dear friend.......how much that hurt, for I so hear what you say.

And how often the mention of "charlie", creates this visceral reaction. An activation of the salivary, a bottomless feeling in the stomach like being in an elevator. Even after all these years of not touching a thing, it still brings back mild anxiety, dry mouth and a disgusted but anticipatory flush to my face. They are the greatest destroyer are they not? I understand shame, and I understand overcoming it, and forgiving ourselves, for we are loved ANYWAY.

My story is, that I mixed drugs and violence, that I destroyed myself in the false and delusional belief that it was others who were to blame, that I lived with terrible consequence and was a hairs breadth from incarceration. That my spirit flailed and thrashed about until it could not sustain its throes of survival and crept into the corner to hide, a shadow of its former self. And, like you, it started so innocently, but I know the seeds were there already. Drugs were just the matches to the gasoline.

You have forgiven yourself dear one........and you continue to do so. And that is the great testament and battle. To forgive ourselves. You are a warrior of the spirit, and your strength is awesome.

I love your story, for it gives me hope.

Much love to you babe.......in this journey that we all share.

Michah